This is where, "Why would you ask that?" *blank stare* works

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I lost the love of my life to homicide when I was 20. We’d been together since childhood. I’ve dated occasionally after a lot of goading and years of counseling to try to get my life back together, but I just don’t feel that connection with anyone else. I’m in my late 30s and happy in a successful career. I left the area where we grew up shortly after it happened, and recently, I’ve started coming back for business. Every time I run into someone I knew or my parents knew, I’m asked why I’m not married with kids yet. I’ve tried to be polite with my responses, but the questions and badgering don’t stop. I even wear my ring. How do I get people to leave me alone about not having a corporeal husband and stop trying to pawn me off on someone’s never-married nephew?

—Forever Married to My Love

banana468

You can give an odd head tilt.

That said, have you sought therapy?  These are your choices and you can make them as you see fit.  But to plenty their questions are well intentioned and concerned that after nearly 2 decades it seems like you may not have moved on.  The question is if you're OK with that.

levioosa

The fact that LW is so bothered by it coupled with the fact that she can't just say, "I'm super focused at work and I'm killing it!" makes me think she does need a lot more therapy. She says they were together since childhood. So...12, 13 at the earliest? More likely around 15? And partner passed away tragically at 20? It feels a little bit like LW built their identity around this tragedy and is stunted because of the loss. Likely they would have grown apart anyways in their 20s but the fact that it wasn't a choice makes it impossible for them to move on. 

banana468

levioosa said:

The fact that LW is so bothered by it coupled with the fact that she can't just say, "I'm super focused at work and I'm killing it!" makes me think she does need a lot more therapy. She says they were together since childhood. So...12, 13 at the earliest? More likely around 15? And partner passed away tragically at 20? It feels a little bit like LW built their identity around this tragedy and is stunted because of the loss. Likely they would have grown apart anyways in their 20s but the fact that it wasn't a choice makes it impossible for them to move on. 

Right!  This was likely the ONLY person that the LW dated.

And that doesn't mean that the relationship wasn't significant.  But I wonder if the LW is emotionally stunted at 20 and has not actually grown beyond that traumatic event.   And that's a concern IMO.   

mrsconn23

banana468 said:

levioosa said:

The fact that LW is so bothered by it coupled with the fact that she can't just say, "I'm super focused at work and I'm killing it!" makes me think she does need a lot more therapy. She says they were together since childhood. So...12, 13 at the earliest? More likely around 15? And partner passed away tragically at 20? It feels a little bit like LW built their identity around this tragedy and is stunted because of the loss. Likely they would have grown apart anyways in their 20s but the fact that it wasn't a choice makes it impossible for them to move on. 

Right!  This was likely the ONLY person that the LW dated.

And that doesn't mean that the relationship wasn't significant.  But I wonder if the LW is emotionally stunted at 20 and has not actually grown beyond that traumatic event.   And that's a concern IMO.   

Right? DH's best friend died in a car accident when DH was 25.  He was dating my friend (how we met) and we were 22.  DH, my friend, and his BFF all went to HS together and my friend and DH's BFF dated in HS and reconnected when we were 21.  This would be like my friend never moving on from that.  

levioosa

banana468 said:

levioosa said:

The fact that LW is so bothered by it coupled with the fact that she can't just say, "I'm super focused at work and I'm killing it!" makes me think she does need a lot more therapy. She says they were together since childhood. So...12, 13 at the earliest? More likely around 15? And partner passed away tragically at 20? It feels a little bit like LW built their identity around this tragedy and is stunted because of the loss. Likely they would have grown apart anyways in their 20s but the fact that it wasn't a choice makes it impossible for them to move on. 

Right!  This was likely the ONLY person that the LW dated.

And that doesn't mean that the relationship wasn't significant.  But I wonder if the LW is emotionally stunted at 20 and has not actually grown beyond that traumatic event.   And that's a concern IMO.   

When I broke up with my ex in my early 20s we had already been together almost 7 years and it was devastating (as your first intense young relationship is). Honestly I'm amazed sometimes that H and I are even together as we got together when I was 23 and I did a hell of a lot of change and growing from 23 to my late 20s. We were both religious, I broke away hard from that, realized I wasn't straight, become super into social justice, went through grad school, and did a million other changes. We grew together but man, if I had stayed with my ex? There is no way in hell we would have lasted.