No one is responsible for you but you.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Am I wrong to expect support from pregnant and new-mom friends? A few years ago, I received a series of devastating blows: a complex health diagnosis that meant I would likely not be able to have children, plus I had to move in with my aging mother to become her caretaker. My friends have been sympathetic, but that was about it. No offers to drive me to appointments, no extra calls or hangouts to check in or take my mind off matters. I think they just didn’t know what to say or how to act around me and I fell off the radar as they were consumed with their own busy lives. I empathize. Still, it was a lonely experience.

Fast forward, now these friends are pregnant or new moms. It feels unfair to be celebrating their upward life momentum when I have been robbed of so much. I’m being invited to showers and kids’ birthday parties and while I’m happy for them, I can’t get over a sense of injustice; that my pain was never adequately acknowledged, yet I’m expected to show up to their events and shower them with gifts. I know they are entering new life stages that are incredibly difficult, time-consuming, and stressful. I, too, am in a new life stage. But I can’t help but see their phase as one that still has so much happiness and societal celebration…while mine is anything but. I don’t know how to express myself on this issue without it seeming like I’m centering someone else’s joy around my own issues. How do I get over this? Is it on me to do so?

—Pity Party for One

STARMOON44

It is on you to go to therapy to help manage this difficult situation. 

banana468

I think as you get older you realize that if you need something you have to speak up.  You're now being invited to participate in these life events because you're asked.  DId you ask them?? 

flantastic

It is one thing if you asked for help and they couldn't find the time or energy.

It is entirely another if you expected them to offer certain things, and they simply didn't think of that or read your mind.

You're not expected to shower them with gifts (I hope). You're invited to. I do think it would be socially intelligent for these friends to check in with you when inviting you - "I know this might be hard for you with your diagnosis, but we want you there if you're comfortable and understand if you're not."

mrsconn23

Questions that start with, "Am I wrong to expect..." are usually about unspoken expectations. 

Also, people are NOT selfish for putting themselves, their time, money, and obligations (to work, family, etc.) first and if that didn't leave them time to drive you to appts or whatever, it's not because they don't value your friendship.   You don't live with them, work their job, pay their bills, exist in their familial relationships. 

And LW if you didn't *ask* for assistance, then you have no idea if they had it to give.  Also, even if you asked, if they couldn't assist, it was likely not about you.  Furthermore, maybe they had a lot going on as well and weren't telling you about it because they didn't want to burden you.  

LW is doing a lot of assuming intention and placing blame in this letter.  I have to wonder how good a friend they are to the people they want support from. 

charlotte989875

Therapy. 

All the health stuff with J has been *a lot* and I’m incredibly thankful for the friends that have checked in on him and on me. I have never once expected anyone too and it’s been incredible when people have. 

LW needs to realize people aren’t having babies and celebrating at her. And that if she can’t show up for these things that’s okay too. Maybe they don’t know she’s still in pain? Maybe they don’t know how hard the diagnosis and caretaking have been? Cut them some slack and get some therapy. 

mrsconn23

charlotte989875 said:

LW needs to realize people aren’t having babies and celebrating at her. And that if she can’t show up for these things that’s okay too. Maybe they don’t know she’s still in pain? Maybe they don’t know how hard the diagnosis and caretaking have been? Cut them some slack and get some therapy. 

This.  LW comes off that their friends should somehow have centered LW in their lives and/or that LW's life issues existed in a vacuum.  They never did.  If I've learned nothing else, it's that everyone's carrying around a load shit life has dealt them and there's no balance that takes some shit from you before more gets piled on.  It's all in how you deal with your shit.  

Deal with your shit, LW.