Dear Prudence,
At my (37F) last job, there was a woman on my team who was close to my age and we got along well. We went out to happy hours with our team, would grab lunch with other co-workers occasionally, and generally had a nice office friendship. Toward the end of my time at that office, she clearly wanted us to develop more of an out-of-office friendship and would invite me to dinner or drinks, just the two of us. Unfortunately, I found that I didn’t really enjoy her company one-on-one. She found an opportunity to complain about every topic that came up. “Oh, you went to Mexico? God, did I tell you about the time I got so sick in Puerto Vallarta?” “You’ve started meditating? I can’t sit that long, have I told you my lumbar thing is acting up again?” “You’re doing a home improvement project? I wish I could do something like that but my husband won’t lift a finger to help.” I tried to be empathetic and give her the benefit of the doubt for a couple of months, but her knack of turning even the best news or most benign comment into a 20-minute venting session became exhausting and I always left our interactions feeling drained.
So when I got a new job last year, I started a slow fade. We were never close friends and only hung out a handful of times outside of work, so it felt appropriate to just let things fizzle. She would text, and I would say I’m really slammed, maybe we can try to meet up when things are less hectic. After a couple of these interactions, she recently texted me, “Hey what gives, you don’t want to be friends anymore or something? Lol.” I didn’t know what to say. I tried to think of every version of, “You’re a nice person but I just don’t want to spend time with you” that I could, but everything seemed so harsh. Another issue is that she still works at my old company with many people who are friends and/or important professional connections of mine. She is actually an important professional connection too, and could easily be asked for her opinion of me by future clients, employers, etc.
I responded, “Haha, I know I wish I had more time for fun these days.” Not directly addressing her text, but not quite a lie. Then she responded, “So when can we get a drink? Even if it’s a month or two out, let’s just get it on the calendar!” I haven’t responded. What should I do? Is there any way to say I just don’t want to hang out with you anymore without it blowing up in my face? Should I see her once a quarter and just reframe it in my mind as a networking lunch?
—All Vented Out