My boyfriend of 15 months and I recently moved in together. Since then, I’ve discovered how incredibly picky he is about nearly every household task. He was raised in a very strict home with parents with very high standards and it definitely left its mark on him. Every single task in the house has an absolute “perfect” way it has to be done, and any other variation on it is not OK. He also has, what seems to me, a set of rules for how things can be done, which materials can be used in which places, etc. These “rules” are second nature to him, having learned them from his parents, but he apparently doesn’t realize that not everyone has and gets upset when I don’t just know these same things. For example, I spilled milk while baking and grabbed a wipe from the container on the counter to wipe it up, then wiped down the front of the cabinet underneath where some of it had dripped as well. He started yelling about how those wipes absolutely cannot be used on the cabinets as they will take the finish off and I needed to get out the spray for the cabinets.
I am a rather neat, clean, and organized person, but he’s making me feel like I’m some stupid slob with all his corrections about cleaning. Yesterday he came in while I was vacuuming and started criticizing the path I was taking throughout the house to vacuum as it is different than his and his “obviously” makes much more sense. I have tried to have conversations with him about all of this where I have pointed out that I know he was raised with very stringent rules and consequences for not following them, but I wasn’t so I am not going to have the same background, experience, knowledge, etc. he does. I have also tried to point out that just because I accomplish some tasks differently from him, it doesn’t mean that it is wrong as long as the overall goal is accomplished. He mostly took that as criticism of his family and the way he was raised. I haven’t unpacked my last couple of boxes and, honestly, I’m thinking about not doing it and just looking for a place on my own again and breaking up with him. Our relationship was great before we moved in together, but I just don’t think I can live with this level of criticism and oversight over basic daily habits. Is there a different approach I’m missing to discuss this with him, or is it just a major mismatch between us that I need to walk away from?
—Clean, But Not His Way