T-H-E-R-A-P-Y (secular)

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My mom and I have always had a weird relationship. We’re friendly and talk often, but keep our conversations mostly surface-level. She has always been a bit judgmental about my appearance and life choices. This January, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant by my fiancé. That’s a whole other issue because she’s very religious, and I’m going to be pretty large at our wedding. I’m currently about twenty weeks along.

Recently, I mentioned to my mom that I had gained about twelve pounds throughout my pregnancy so far. Within 24 hours, she had told both my sisters that she was concerned about my weight gain, for medical reasons of course. (Cue the eye roll.) Prudie, I’m not fat. I eat healthy and go to the gym twice a week. Most of my sugar intake has been fresh fruit, which I admit I consume in pretty large quantities. It helps with pregnancy-related constipation. I’m also growing an entire human. I’ve always been a few pounds heavier than my sisters, but my doctor has never been even slightly worried. I had a checkup on Monday, and the doctor wasn’t worried about my weight either. This is just the latest in a series of comments she has made about my body throughout my life. For her, it seems like being overweight is a moral failing. Both of my sisters have struggled with their relationship with food, partially because of her comments. I realized in middle school that she didn’t like me very much, so it didn’t have the same impact on me.

It hurts my feelings, but it won’t make me stop eating if she says something. She wasn’t happy with my weight before I got pregnant. It seems like being knocked up gave her carte blanche to say whatever she wants about me. She doesn’t think I should get an epidural. She doesn’t think I’m being healthy. My baby is fine. My doctor says I’m fine. My partner thinks I’m sexy. He has also banned the word “fat” from our house because he doesn’t like the way I talked about my changing body. I know my mom isn’t always a nice person. She’s never going to be the person I want her to be. Why am I still so bothered by her comments? I’m at the point where I’m not sure I want her in the delivery room. My MIL will be there because she has been nothing but loving and supportive for the decade I’ve been with her son. Would I be going too far to cut my mom out of the birth of her first grandchild? What else can I do?

—Growing a Person

banana468

Find a great therapist and absolutely don't have her in the delivery room.  Quite frankly I don't get how that comes up for discussion unless asked!  My mom never mentioned to me about being there.

On the rest of it, you need to figure out how to deflect and bean dip your mom.  She's not going to change and you won't change her.  But you can change how you engage and respond.  

MyNameIsNot

Good god, no don't have her in the delivery room. 

I think you just have to add weight, health and birth plan to the list of things that aren't included in surface level questions. But I think therapy is a good idea here, because the constant barrage of judgment is going to intensify with every parenting decision you make. You are going to need some boundaries and a firm plan for what to do when (not if) she tramples them. 

mrsconn23

LW, you walked into it by telling her you gained weight.  But I understand why you did it, because this is your dynamic. 

She's a miserable person.  You've basically said in your letter that her criticism has led you and your sisters to have a disordered relationship with food and your body image.  Trust me, that baby weight will not come off fast enough for her.  She's a miserable person and you can't fix her, so it's time to look internally. 

Now is the perfect time to take care of yourself, your partner (who sounds supportive and fantastic) and future marriage, and your baby by learning how to deal with your mom in a healthy manner that protects you and especially your future kid.  You think your mom is doing this only to you, but wait until her grandbaby is a 'little pudgy' or something.  

Your mom is toxic and you need to figure out how to keep the poison away from the family you're building. 

STARMOON44

Being in the delivery room shouldn’t be about anything other than will this person be a support to me while giving birth

mrsconn23

The delivery room and 'who's going to be there?' is a conversation that I will never, ever understand.  If you aren't in the partnership that will raise said baby (unless you're single parenting it, then yes, figure out your support crew) or medical staff, you were never getting a seat at the table for me. 

I don't even know why people want to be there. I wanted GTFO and have someone else tap in after 1.5 hours of pushing. 

Birth is long, messy, and so, so vulnerable.  You cannot be tuning into anyone else's energy. 

Again, this LW needs to start working on the distancing...yesterday, 5 years ago...but since that's not possible, start now.  

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

The delivery room and 'who's going to be there?' is a conversation that I will never, ever understand.  If you aren't in the partnership that will raise said baby (unless you're single parenting it, then yes, figure out your support crew) or medical staff, you were never getting a seat at the table for me. 

I don't even know why people want to be there. I wanted GTFO and have someone else tap in after 1.5 hours of pushing. 

Birth is long, messy, and so, so vulnerable.  You cannot be tuning into anyone else's energy. 

Again, this LW needs to start working on the distancing...yesterday, 5 years ago...but since that's not possible, start now.  

Right?!?   I had DH and our doula.  DH gets anxiety and if he had a panic attack I wanted someone who could be with me and also have the experience of childbirth without the emotional baggage of being tied to me emotionally.  And I didn't want EITHER mom in there who were going to just start to frustrate me long before the babies got here. 

ei34

banana468 said:

mrsconn23 said:

The delivery room and 'who's going to be there?' is a conversation that I will never, ever understand.  If you aren't in the partnership that will raise said baby (unless you're single parenting it, then yes, figure out your support crew) or medical staff, you were never getting a seat at the table for me. 

I don't even know why people want to be there. I wanted GTFO and have someone else tap in after 1.5 hours of pushing. 

Birth is long, messy, and so, so vulnerable.  You cannot be tuning into anyone else's energy. 

Again, this LW needs to start working on the distancing...yesterday, 5 years ago...but since that's not possible, start now.  

Right?!?   I had DH and our doula.  DH gets anxiety and if he had a panic attack I wanted someone who could be with me and also have the experience of childbirth without the emotional baggage of being tied to me emotionally.  And I didn't want EITHER mom in there who were going to just start to frustrate me long before the babies got here. 

Yup. I’m thisclose with my mom and she wasn’t in the delivery room either. OB, l&d nurses, and guy who was there for conception made it a full house as is. 

Love and support your way LW, definitely agree with therapy to help establish boundaries that will undoubtedly be needed when mom starts weighing in (no pun intended) on raising the baby. 

ILoveBeachMusic

mrsconn23 said:

The delivery room and 'who's going to be there?' is a conversation that I will never, ever understand.  If you aren't in the partnership that will raise said baby (unless you're single parenting it, then yes, figure out your support crew) or medical staff, you were never getting a seat at the table for me. 

I don't even know why people want to be there. I wanted GTFO and have someone else tap in after 1.5 hours of pushing. 

Birth is long, messy, and so, so vulnerable.  You cannot be tuning into anyone else's energy. 

Again, this LW needs to start working on the distancing...yesterday, 5 years ago...but since that's not possible, start now.  

STIB I'm in agreement with you. I don't get having the whole family in there. I didn't want anyone other than H and the doc/nurses in there. I didn't want to be in there with DD. It was a good thing that I wasn't since it became an emergency situation with her (not the twins). I certainly would never have asked to be in there!

levioosa

Listen, the less people who see my vagina, the better. I love my mom, but if I ever have kids I'm going to go out on a limb and say while she can be in there in the early stages, the second I start seriously pushing I am going to boot her out to the waiting room. 

short+sassy

Curiosity question because the LW mentioned eating large amounts of fruit.  Do pregnant women need to watch how much simple carbs/sugar they take in?  Does it help stave off the potential of developing gestational diabetes, if they do?

Not judging the LW or any other pregnant woman.  I assume OBs and their patients discuss diet, if needed.  But most people underestimate just how much sugar is in fruit, so I'm not sure if that is a concern for pregnant women. 

banana468

short+sassy said:

Curiosity question because the LW mentioned eating large amounts of fruit.  Do pregnant women need to watch how much simple carbs/sugar they take in?  Does it help stave off the potential of developing gestational diabetes, if they do?

Not judging the LW or any other pregnant woman.  I assume OBs and their patients discuss diet, if needed.  But most people underestimate just how much sugar is in fruit, so I'm not sure if that is a concern for pregnant women. 

Gestational diabetes can be a big concern.  Peers without any prior history of diabetes had battles with it and it put them at higher risk in pregnancy if they were diagnosed.   

MyNameIsNot

short+sassy said:

Curiosity question because the LW mentioned eating large amounts of fruit.  Do pregnant women need to watch how much simple carbs/sugar they take in?  Does it help stave off the potential of developing gestational diabetes, if they do?

Not judging the LW or any other pregnant woman.  I assume OBs and their patients discuss diet, if needed.  But most people underestimate just how much sugar is in fruit, so I'm not sure if that is a concern for pregnant women. 

I assumed it was the diet culture/ED thing where people freak out and completely demonize an entire food group because it has some sugar in it. Fruit was the devil a couple of years ago. 

Yes, there's sugar in fruit, but you're not going to gain weight from eating bananas. 

levioosa

short+sassy said:

Curiosity question because the LW mentioned eating large amounts of fruit.  Do pregnant women need to watch how much simple carbs/sugar they take in?  Does it help stave off the potential of developing gestational diabetes, if they do?

Not judging the LW or any other pregnant woman.  I assume OBs and their patients discuss diet, if needed.  But most people underestimate just how much sugar is in fruit, so I'm not sure if that is a concern for pregnant women. 

Most people are not eating enough fruit for it to be a problem. That being said, most things in life are an "in moderation" consideration. Rarely I get people who say they eat crazy amounts of fruit (I'm talking like a whole pineapple a day with multiple oranges and apples and other fruits). More often I get people who are pre-diabetic who are trying their best to prevent diabetes so they start juicing, which really can be problematic because you're taking out all of the fiber that slows down the carbohydrate absorption while also significantly increasing your normal glucose intake. I feel like suuuuch a bad guy and buzzkill when I have to tell them that their attempt at lifestyle changes is going to backfire. They're trying to do their best. But diet culture is extreme, and there is such a lack of knowledge about how to eat to support your body. 

short+sassy

levioosa said:

short+sassy said:

Curiosity question because the LW mentioned eating large amounts of fruit.  Do pregnant women need to watch how much simple carbs/sugar they take in?  Does it help stave off the potential of developing gestational diabetes, if they do?

Not judging the LW or any other pregnant woman.  I assume OBs and their patients discuss diet, if needed.  But most people underestimate just how much sugar is in fruit, so I'm not sure if that is a concern for pregnant women. 

Most people are not eating enough fruit for it to be a problem. That being said, most things in life are an "in moderation" consideration. Rarely I get people who say they eat crazy amounts of fruit (I'm talking like a whole pineapple a day with multiple oranges and apples and other fruits). More often I get people who are pre-diabetic who are trying their best to prevent diabetes so they start juicing, which really can be problematic because you're taking out all of the fiber that slows down the carbohydrate absorption while also significantly increasing your normal glucose intake. I feel like suuuuch a bad guy and buzzkill when I have to tell them that their attempt at lifestyle changes is going to backfire. They're trying to do their best. But diet culture is extreme, and there is such a lack of knowledge about how to eat to support your body. 

I know my blood sugar levels will go skyrocketing if I eat even regular fruit, so I keep it to limited quantities and have to take a few extra units of insulin.  That was where my question came from.  I know the average person can eat a bunch of fruit and it doesn't matter.  At least blood sugar-wise.

But pregnant women can develop gestational diabetes, even with no other indicators, so I wasn't sure if all pregnant women need to watch the amount of simple carbs they eat.

Juice (sniff, sniff).  That's what I miss the most!  Sometimes I have it as a treat and take a bunch of insulin.  But I usually avoid it completely, unless I'm having a low.

banana468

short+sassy said:

levioosa said:

short+sassy said:

Curiosity question because the LW mentioned eating large amounts of fruit.  Do pregnant women need to watch how much simple carbs/sugar they take in?  Does it help stave off the potential of developing gestational diabetes, if they do?

Not judging the LW or any other pregnant woman.  I assume OBs and their patients discuss diet, if needed.  But most people underestimate just how much sugar is in fruit, so I'm not sure if that is a concern for pregnant women. 

Most people are not eating enough fruit for it to be a problem. That being said, most things in life are an "in moderation" consideration. Rarely I get people who say they eat crazy amounts of fruit (I'm talking like a whole pineapple a day with multiple oranges and apples and other fruits). More often I get people who are pre-diabetic who are trying their best to prevent diabetes so they start juicing, which really can be problematic because you're taking out all of the fiber that slows down the carbohydrate absorption while also significantly increasing your normal glucose intake. I feel like suuuuch a bad guy and buzzkill when I have to tell them that their attempt at lifestyle changes is going to backfire. They're trying to do their best. But diet culture is extreme, and there is such a lack of knowledge about how to eat to support your body. 

I know my blood sugar levels will go skyrocketing if I eat even regular fruit, so I keep it to limited quantities and have to take a few extra units of insulin.  That was where my question came from.  I know the average person can eat a bunch of fruit and it doesn't matter.  At least blood sugar-wise.

But pregnant women can develop gestational diabetes, even with no other indicators, so I wasn't sure if all pregnant women need to watch the amount of simple carbs they eat.

Juice (sniff, sniff).  That's what I miss the most!  Sometimes I have it as a treat and take a bunch of insulin.  But I usually avoid it completely, unless I'm having a low.

FWIW it wasn't an issue for me.  I ate a normal diet and wound up adding more carbohydrate drinks because water in the morning made me so nauseated.

That said, I knew a few people who had to do major cut backs to their diets due to failing the first glucose test (the test for GD) or an actual GD diagnosis.  A family member had lasting effects after and had to revamp her entire diet. 

I tried to be more regimented with my diet for the 2nd pregnancy.  It helped that I was chasing a toddler more.  It was not hard to gain weight but definitely not easy for it to come off with #1. 

ILoveBeachMusic

short+sassy said:

levioosa said:

short+sassy said:

Curiosity question because the LW mentioned eating large amounts of fruit.  Do pregnant women need to watch how much simple carbs/sugar they take in?  Does it help stave off the potential of developing gestational diabetes, if they do?

Not judging the LW or any other pregnant woman.  I assume OBs and their patients discuss diet, if needed.  But most people underestimate just how much sugar is in fruit, so I'm not sure if that is a concern for pregnant women. 

Most people are not eating enough fruit for it to be a problem. That being said, most things in life are an "in moderation" consideration. Rarely I get people who say they eat crazy amounts of fruit (I'm talking like a whole pineapple a day with multiple oranges and apples and other fruits). More often I get people who are pre-diabetic who are trying their best to prevent diabetes so they start juicing, which really can be problematic because you're taking out all of the fiber that slows down the carbohydrate absorption while also significantly increasing your normal glucose intake. I feel like suuuuch a bad guy and buzzkill when I have to tell them that their attempt at lifestyle changes is going to backfire. They're trying to do their best. But diet culture is extreme, and there is such a lack of knowledge about how to eat to support your body. 

I know my blood sugar levels will go skyrocketing if I eat even regular fruit, so I keep it to limited quantities and have to take a few extra units of insulin.  That was where my question came from.  I know the average person can eat a bunch of fruit and it doesn't matter.  At least blood sugar-wise.

But pregnant women can develop gestational diabetes, even with no other indicators, so I wasn't sure if all pregnant women need to watch the amount of simple carbs they eat.

Juice (sniff, sniff).  That's what I miss the most!  Sometimes I have it as a treat and take a bunch of insulin.  But I usually avoid it completely, unless I'm having a low.

DD eats a lot of fruit and didn't have any problems with GD with either pregnancy. When she and SIL were dating he said he had never seen anyone eat so much fresh produce mostly fruit! All three boys were big (the twins were big for twins and were full  term) so people always ask me if she had GD nope she just births big babies. She is also a tall woman - about 6'. The boys eat a lot of fruit GS1 eats so much fruit (and always has) that we call him the fruit bat!