Wedding Woes

I'd like to hear your wife's side, Don.

Dear Prudence,

My wife works two days a week and I work full-time in a hybrid situation. I can and do work from home a couple of days a week and it’s very flexible so I can often help out with the kids and give her some time to herself. I work 50-plus hour weeks routinely and frequently find myself burning some midnight oil at least once a week to meet deadlines. I don’t sleep much and it’s affecting my health. I’m doing my best to keep up with my work obligations, help around the house, and be a good husband/father. Our house is often a disaster—exceedingly messy—to the point where we can’t have anyone stop by our home unless we know they are coming well in advance.

I’ve recently become resentful about the time I’m taking away from life to cook, clean, keep yard work under control, and fix the many issues we have on our property. I think my wife can do more on the domestic front seeing as she works two days a week. I feel like it’s a misogynistic task but if the roles were reversed (and they have been), I ran a much tighter ship and kept a cleaner home. When our youngest was born, I stayed home for close to a year and approached our home like my job. I sort of miss it but my current profession is too lucrative to walk away from. I’d like my wife to spend less time watching TV or on social media and more time pulling her weight around the house but I don’t want to sound like Don Draper. Am I being unreasonable?

—Not Don

Re: I'd like to hear your wife's side, Don.

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    flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I was just reading up on strategies for neurotypical partners of folks with neurodivergence, and how a lot of times they take on more of the stuff that's difficult for their partner, which ends up being a lot of stuff. Then there were strategies for making things more equitable (and usually also easier for the ND person to work with).

    That's got to be so much harder if you don't realize that's what's happening. That's a bit what I suspect is going on here.
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Way more info is needed here.  

    DH is tasked now to work more hours while I WFH most of the time.  But we go through phases where even being home I have ZERO time available because of kid commitments.  So I may have the opportunity to post a note to TK but not to do things like scrub a floor.  

    Also, the first year of your kid's life they aren't the ones making a mess.  They go where you go and YOU are making their mess by the clothing and bottle prep.  They dirty themselves but not your home.  If your kids are older then they are destructive forces and no amount of talking to them will likely get them to stop bringing Goldfish to the living room or leaving food containers on the coffee table.   So I also take issue with the concept that you did it better when kids were easier.  

    That doesn't mean that the LW should be expected to burn the candle at both ends - but I don't love what is being insinuated. 
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    The LW obviously needs to talk to his wife.  But it needs to come from a place of working together for a good division of housework chores, so no one feels they are burning the candle at both ends.

    As opposed to his current attitude of "I ran a tighter ship and my wife is lacking."

    It also shouldn't be a one and done conversation.  These kinds of things flex and bend.  If he doesn't already, he needs to keep his wife updated on the days when he'll be working extra hours so she can pick up the slack.  And if she can't on a particular day, they are at least aware and can make a Plan B.  Same thing if she has a busier week than normal.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    Ugh. Okay. So you’re having a hard time balancing your own work schedule and family responsibilities;  you’re working so much more than usual (and not sleeping well) And it sounds like you’re putting some of that on your wife. 

    Also- things like cooking, doing yard work, fixing things on your property aren’t “taking time away from life” they are a part of life you all have to manage. You still have to have a plan to manage that even if work is taking more of your time. 

    You need to talk to your wife. If you’re working more and you don’t have as much time with home and family you need to communicate that. And you need to listen to her too; toddlers are more work and messier than babies. And she’s working too. You all need to talk through a balance that feels good to you both. 

    If your work is lucrative can you outsource cleaning/cooking/yard work to make the balance easier? Can you be okay with it being messier than you’d like? You sound like you’re angry you don’t have time to relax but the solution isn’t telling your wife to do more work so she doesn’t have time to relax either. 
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