Wedding Woes

Go outside and touch grass, LW.

Dear Prudence,

I met A five years ago in an auditorium. We sat next to each other and I immediately developed a crush. He was having trouble integrating and making friends due to personal circumstances and a language barrier. That year we texted almost every day, sat next to each other. I embarked on a short-lived relationship with a school friend that never evolved beyond bowling dates and a peck on the lips. The feelings for A grew, but I had trouble defining them (platonic? romantic?). We walked around town, cooked together, stargazed, even slept in the same bed. I introduced him to my female friends but he never really integrated into the group (perhaps I wanted him for myself).

After a while, I realized that we were culturally and socially different. Supposedly, he treated all his friends the way he treated me. He has never made any overt advances, but the intimacy and occasional flirtatious conversation did make it hard for me to get over it. Even though these feelings are still present, I never confessed anything as I am generally scared of commitment. Today, I learned that he went to the cinema with a female friend. The jealousy I felt made me finally realize that there may be either real romantic feelings on my part or unhealthy possessiveness over a friend (which I have felt with a few female friends before, which made it very painful when those two friends eventually ghosted me, and I am wondering whether they unconsciously felt this from me (although I am generally quite reserved).) While this jealousy does make me want to confess my ambiguous feelings to him (as I feel they are hindering our friendship in a way), I don’t want to do this at the very moment he might be interested in someone else and make it awkward for him. He does know I am attracted to him—it was revealed in a drinking game—and I recently confessed that I had a crush on him when we met, but not that I may have feelings now. He said that he hadn’t noticed at the time, and the conversation didn’t go any further. Is it selfish to unload all of this on him with no immediate desire for a relationship? Is it indelicate to ask about his intentions toward this friend? How does this sort of conversation go? I’ve always chickened out in person so this may have to be a text.

—Platonic Stargazing

Re: Go outside and touch grass, LW.

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    flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    This is some 10th grade level relationship maturity in someone who I assume is at least 23.
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    Woah. That’s a lot of words to say you like this guy but he doesn’t seem to like you back. 

    Tell him your feelings weren’t just in the past but you like him and want to be more than friends. If he’s interested great, if not that sucks but at least you know! 
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    You sound exhausting. Just spare him the headache.
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    The LW needs to stop obsessing over this guy and stick to a friendship-only relationship.  They said they don't even want to be in a relationship with him anyway!  But don't want him to be with anyone else either.

    They shouldn't unload any of this on him.  They sound like someone who thrives on drama and revels in being a toxic friend.  Therapy would be helpful for them to change those patterns.  Or don't and continue to have some friends ghost them.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    I feel tired just from reading this. 

    If you don't want a romantic relationship with this friend, I don't see much value in telling him how you feel about him. You'd probably just be setting yourself up for more emotional turmoil, especially given that he doesn't seem to return your feelings. I think your energy would be better put to use by making peace with just being friends, or determining if just being friends with him is something you can accept. 

    I also think, big picture, you should go to therapy to figure out why you get jealous and possessive about your friends, since it's happened multiple times in the past.

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