You sound obnoxious, LW.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My late husband and I never had children, so I was very close to my brother’s four children—or I attempted to be. All of them are adults in their thirties now, but only “Anna,” from his first marriage, ever reciprocates my attempts. I call, text, and try to keep up with them on social media, but the children of my brother’s second marriage never respond. My brother claims they are just “busy.” They are happy enough to accept money for their birthdays and holidays, but just never enough to text thank you.

Recently, I sent my pregnant niece items that my grandmother made for me when my mother was pregnant. The only response was UPS said it was delivered. Her brother posted that he was staying in my city for a vacation and I invited him out for dinner. No response again. I am tired of it. I have already rewritten my will that if there is anything left, it goes to Anna. My dilemma is how and if I should tell my brother. I do regularly see him and his new partner. It will upset him and he is my only living sibling left. What should I tell him?’

—Rewrite the Will

banana468

This is the death equivalent of "I'm having a party and you're not invited." 

mrsconn23

banana468 said:

This is the death equivalent of "I'm having a party and you're not invited." 

Right, but he'll be dead or close to it...so it's also, "I'm gonna make your kids fight after I'm dead because I'm petty asshole."

Casadena

Eh, i disagree. Leave your money or whatever to the nibling you have a relationship with. You don't need to tell your brother or his kids anything. 

charlotte989875

Leave your money to whoever you want but don’t make a big deal out of it. These are your children so they aren’t entitled to anything, and therefore no estate that they have any right to contest. 

mrsconn23

Casadena said:

Eh, i disagree. Leave your money or whatever to the nibling you have a relationship with. You don't need to tell your brother or his kids anything. 

I totally agree to leave money to whomever you feel like. But LW just comes across as petty about it all and the whole, "I want to tell my brother to make his adult kids have the relationship with me that I want to have with them AND I'm going to hold inheritance over his/their heads," is just...no.  I'm not excusing ghosting your aunt or not sending a TY note, but I'm not feeling LW's energy about it. 

I have an aunt who pulled a version of this BS with my mom and dad and then my mom played along for a minute (which annoyed us) and then was all, "Um my kids are adults with their own families and I'm the matriarch now, so no, I'm not pressuring them to drive 3 hours the day after Christmas to see you.  If you want to see us so bad, plan a trip here."  (My parents did go visit her quite a few times over the years, but the reciprocation was quite low.) 

levioosa

We're in the middle of a contentious inheritance battle (not that there will be much left as my grandmother pulled from the trust and never paid taxes). Narcissistic grandmother would change and create new trusts whenever someone made her mad. So there's three separate trusts, my dad has been cut out entirely, my aunt was cut out of another one, a third one she cut out me, one of my cousins, and my brother (but left the other cousin who was playing the long game in there). It's been a legal nightmare and is just one more way she's torturing the family from beyond the grave. 

banana468

Casadena said:

Eh, i disagree. Leave your money or whatever to the nibling you have a relationship with. You don't need to tell your brother or his kids anything. 

Leave the $ but don't dangle it!  The way LW is phrasing it she essentially wants to tell people that she wants her final message to be one last middle finger.

Casadena

That's why i think she shouldn't tell anyone. Just feel how you feel (and no return contact is pretty justified in my opinion, it's not hard to text a thank you or respond to an invitation even if you turn it down). Idk, i don't think it's petty or manipulative to not leave money/etc to someone who clearly doesn't value a relationship with you. 

That said, my answer would change if this has all been talked about before and the estate was planned to be split equally and now she's acting petty. But I didn't read that tone in her letter. I read an aunt who's trying to have a relationship, only 1/4 "kids" is interested in that, so she's deciding to leave things to the person she actually knows. 

banana468

Casadena said:

That's why i think she shouldn't tell anyone. Just feel how you feel (and no return contact is pretty justified in my opinion, it's not hard to text a thank you or respond to an invitation even if you turn it down). Idk, i don't think it's petty or manipulative to not leave money/etc to someone who clearly doesn't value a relationship with you. 

That said, my answer would change if this has all been talked about before and the estate was planned to be split equally and now she's acting petty. But I didn't read that tone in her letter. I read an aunt who's trying to have a relationship, only 1/4 "kids" is interested in that, so she's deciding to leave things to the person she actually knows. 

Yeah I read it as a question of 'what do I tell my brother when I tend to make his kids pissed?' and it makes me wonder if her intent is to let it out to stir up drama.  I hope not. 

ei34

Yeah if LW wants everyone to know about it, she’s only hurting the one niece who has a relationship with. 

banana468

ei34 said:

Yeah if LW wants everyone to know about it, she’s only hurting the one niece who has a relationship with. 

It's a good point - it's only going to make them kill the messenger.

ILoveBeachMusic

banana468 said:

ei34 said:

Yeah if LW wants everyone to know about it, she’s only hurting the one niece who has a relationship with. 

It's a good point - it's only going to make them kill the messenger.

Unfortunately, even if LW doesn't tell everyone before she passes, there will probably hurt feelings when the one niece gets everything. However, I agree if she is the only niece/nephew she has a relationship with (and has tried apparently with the others) why should they get anything. 

MesmrEwe

The only person who needs to know anything ahead of time is the person who will be the executor of the Will...  It's no one else's business.  

ETA:  LW - STOP putting money in the cards! 

Jen4948

I don't think there's any reason to tell any of the people you're leaving out anything in advance. If you really need to explain why, put it in your will itself.