Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have been together for almost 17 years, we met and started dating in high school. He took a promotion earlier this year that came with a lot more responsibility, more than he was anticipating I think. About eight weeks ago, I noticed he was a little more withdrawn, more tired, etc. As someone who battled postpartum, and runs on a higher anxiety frequency than most, I wondered about depression. About five weeks ago, we hit a boiling point, communication stopped almost completely, and intimacy stopped (we have ALWAYS been intimate four to six times per week). It felt like whiplash and so sudden. I asked him point blank if he was having an affair. He denied it, but mentioned how he felt empty about everything right now. I suggested a doctor’s visit, but he didn’t want to do that.
I just found out last week that around that same time, he began engaging in inappropriate communication with a lady at work, including several kisses. Obviously, my world ended when I found out. Neither of us slept that night, and not much sleep since to be honest. He told me he wants to stay and work on our marriage, and I believe him. But he also told me he still doesn’t feel anything. I’m in no way making excuses for poor choices, but I do think he is dealing with some untreated depression and that may have been a catalyst for something so incredibly out of character. He still isn’t interested in therapy or talking to anyone—myself, friends, or a doctor. I LOVE this man. We have the family we’ve been dreaming and praying for. I want to give this a fair shot, but I feel like we can’t do that until he’s able to shake whatever is going on with him. Is there a way I can gently encourage him to see a doctor or to enter therapy? I can’t imagine my life without him, and at the end of the day, I just want him to be happy. He deserves that, as appalling as it sounds he is a GOOD man. I feel like I’m living in some crazy alternative universe right now. The man I built my life with would NEVER do something like this, but I don’t know how to help him fight back.
—Miserable in the Multiverse