Wedding Woes
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You tried and now you need to take a giant step back.

Dear Prudence,

I became friends with someone pre-pandemic through a shared social group. We were in each other’s pandemic bubble and became close. In the past year, another friend from the same group fell on some hard times and moved into my friends’ house. He has since taken over, to the point where my friend now sleeps in his living room while the housemate (who does not contribute to any bills) sleeps in the master bedroom, which is overrun with roommate’s stuff, which is also taking over the guest bedroom, the office, and dining area. My friend has some extensive health problems and is on a great deal of medication and roommate has made himself indispensable, which is great and appreciated! However, roommate has also, in my opinion, isolated my friend to the point where he doesn’t socialize without the roommate—the last time friend and I had dinner he had to do so in secret so as not to upset the roommate.

They are not in a relationship, although the roommate would like them to be. (My thought is that they ARE in a relationship, albeit a non-romantic one on my friend’s part). The roommate has his good points, but also has a tendency to be condescending and erratic. He recently lashed out at me to the point where I don’t feel safe around his increasingly frequent mood swings. I told my friend I would still love to get together with him but would not be coming by his house if roommate is there—and roommate is always there. Friend doesn’t understand what the issue is because my roommate does help him with his health issues. I said that “just because he is a good friend to you does not mean he is a good friend to me,” which seems to have cooled our friendship considerably, to the point where I question the effort I am putting into this, as I am now the one to set up things, initiate conversations, etc. and don’t get responses. Is the friendship over? Am I right to be worried about his isolation?

—Frozen Out or Just Cold?

Re: You tried and now you need to take a giant step back.

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    Some of this is your business (how roommate treated you) and some of this is so so not (pretty much everything else). 

    You can tell your friend you won’t come by the house when roommate is there because you don’t feel safe. You absolutely do not have to be around who are rude, combative or anything else. 

    If your friend can’t see that their relationship with roommate is different than your relationship with roommate that’s on them and they’re free to make that choice. Will it suck? Yes but that’s their choice. 
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