Overly excited MIL & Rehearsal Dinner

knottied9dea417a4053dbe

My F1 and I are paying for our wedding ourselves. My FMIL is VERY excited about the wedding but has started becoming overbearing. Every time we see her [every day, multiple times a day] she is peppering us with questions about the wedding. Some things we haven't done yet since we are still 5 months away (buy wedding bands, pick bridesmaid jewelry) and it really stresses me out when she wants details of things so far out. She'll also ask questions she already knows the answer to and some which I don't feel are any of her businesses. For example: why my cousin is a bridesmaid and not the maid of honor. 

At first I kept telling myself I should be happy she is excited about it. But her pestering has gotten so bad that a couple of times now I have made an excuse to leave when she would bring it up because I didn't want to snap at her or say something I would regret. 

When I do try to include her on something it always turns into more drama than it's worth. Just asking her to verify the mailing addresses of some of their family members has turned into a huge debate about also inviting some of their estranged out of state relatives and some of her personal friends. 

At this point, I feel like planning the rehearsal dinner ourselves would be less stressful. Especially because her offer was to cook food for everyone herself at their Air BnB (they live out of state). I don't think she's being realistic about serving that many (25-30) people. I also wanted something a little nicer for our rehearsal dinner because so many of our guests are coming in from out of town. 

Is it wrong for us to just plan the rehearsal dinner ourselves and offer to let them pay the vendors directly if they want to contribute? 

Jen4948

knottied9dea417a4053dbe said:

My F1 and I are paying for our wedding ourselves. My FMIL is VERY excited about the wedding but has started becoming overbearing. Every time we see her [every day, multiple times a day] she is peppering us with questions about the wedding. Some things we haven't done yet since we are still 5 months away (buy wedding bands, pick bridesmaid jewelry) and it really stresses me out when she wants details of things so far out. She'll also ask questions she already knows the answer to and some which I don't feel are any of her businesses. For example: why my cousin is a bridesmaid and not the maid of honor. 

At first I kept telling myself I should be happy she is excited about it. But her pestering has gotten so bad that a couple of times now I have made an excuse to leave when she would bring it up because I didn't want to snap at her or say something I would regret. 

When I do try to include her on something it always turns into more drama than it's worth. Just asking her to verify the mailing addresses of some of their family members has turned into a huge debate about also inviting some of their estranged out of state relatives and some of her personal friends. 

At this point, I feel like planning the rehearsal dinner ourselves would be less stressful. Especially because her offer was to cook food for everyone herself at their Air BnB (they live out of state). I don't think she's being realistic about serving that many (25-30) people. I also wanted something a little nicer for our rehearsal dinner because so many of our guests are coming in from out of town. 

Is it wrong for us to just plan the rehearsal dinner ourselves and offer to let them pay the vendors directly if they want to contribute? 

Unfortunately, they who pay are entitled to a say, so if you don't want your FMIL to have a say in the rehearsal dinner, you need to expect to pay for it in its entirety.

But, I think it's reasonable for you to tell your FMIL that her cooking for 25-30 people at an Airbnb isn't practical and that you and your FI would prefer to make other arrangements.

levioosa

There is no way in hell I would agree to cooking for 25-30 people at a rehearsal dinner, let alone one in an Airbnb. 1--can you even have that many people at the Airbnb? A lot of them have rules about "parties." 2--how do you even know that the Airbnb has the equipment for that? As someone who regularly hosts 24-30 people for formal family gatherings, it is a hell of a lot of dinnerware and effort. I have extra pots and pans for this that are made for larger quantities. And I have rarely ever seen an AirBnb have the amount of supplies needed for cooking in house. If you don't want MIL to host, then your FI needs to tell her and you need to pay for alternative plans. 

downtondiva

I agree that hosting and cooking for that many people in an Airbnb is not a good plan, and I think it's more than fine to explain why to FMIL. However, I wouldn't count on her just saying, "Oh, okay, well, let me know what restaurant you'd like to have the rehearsal dinner at instead and I'll pay for it." Determine what you can afford on your own and plan accordingly. 

banana468

Agree with the rest.  Your FI should talk to FMIL and explain that preparing food for that quantity of people in an Air BNB is not a reasonable solution.   When that's done, cost-effective options for food and where to eat it should be presented so she can be advised what a more reasonable option is and what the cost is.  If she turns you down then you can go with one of the alternates and pay for those yourself. 

MesmrEwe

Consider the rules that the AirBnB has - many do not allow parties of 25 guests as a rule along with there may not be all the utensils, warming trays, refrigerator storage, etc. and such to cook for that many people there!  Many venues require food from a licensed vendor because of their insurance, it's not a personal thing!  One of the first rules a lot of VRBO/AirBnB/Campgrounds put in place is the no events rule!

Plan the RD that YOU TWO want, book the restaurant you want it at, and no one has to work.  If they want to contribute to the cost for the dinner, be accepting, not expecting (the money doesn't exist until it's in your pocket and it's okay to be reimbursed at the dollar amount they're comfortable with as opposed to the "I don't want to spend that much".  It's okay to make the decision, book the venue, and move on with life and the other decisions yet to be made!  

ei34

Given her track record, I’d politely decline her current RD offer as well as financial help with the kind of RD you’d prefer.  Just plan and host your own…if she helps pay she’ll have permission to weigh in. (My exH and I hosted our own RD, it’s fairly common.)

And also given her personality, I’d cut back the frequency with which I see her (is it really every day, multiple times per day?).