Wedding Woes

Just tell her you're not ready.

Dear Prudence,

I am not close with my sister at all. During our parents’ divorce, she chose to go live with our dad overseas and rarely came home to visit, even as an adult. It broke my mom’s heart, and she desperately tried to build a relationship with my sister, but my sister wasn’t interested. Our mother died during the pandemic and there was no service. I thought that would be the last time my sister and I would ever speak. Only my sister has recently reached out. She and her partner have moved back to the U.S., and she is pregnant. She wants to have a fresh start with me. I don’t really see the point. She is basically a stranger who happens to share some DNA with me. I am never going to be able to forgive or forget how my sister treated our mother the last few years of her life. I don’t want to hurt my sister now, but I don’t see the point of hashing out the past here. What do I say?

—Estranged in the East

Re: Just tell her you're not ready.

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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Tell her you're happy for her but need time before you're ready to get together.
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    Tell her you’re happy for her and her family but that you’re not ready. 

    But if at some point you may want to have a relationship with her think about what it would take to get you to say yes. What would she need to do or say. You don’t have to know the answer to that now but it may help to clarify under what conditions you would consider it. 
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    This is one for therapy. Your sister's decision to be with your dad was valid. She could just as easily turn it around and say you were being cruel to your father by choosing to live with mom. You're holding a grudge that isn't even yours. 
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    The LW is really filtering this through their own lens.  I'm not seeing where their sister was a bad guy.  Of course she had a different relationship with their mother and they weren't as close.  Maybe the sister could have done better, but the LW didn't give any examples other than a general "she wasn't interested".

    Did the LW travel regularly to visit their dad and sister?  Because it doesn't sound like it.

    Their feelings are their feelings and they can certainly stay LC/NC if they want to.  But it sounds like they are putting all the blame on her for the relationship distance.  That doesn't sound fair.
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