Bitching about aches and pains is a love language.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My (wonderful, loving, etc.) partner and I are in our 50s. Aches and pains and the indignities of aging are beginning to rear their head. I take a Tylenol, maybe stretch, and carry on. My partner complains. All the time. Every time they sit down, or stand up, or bring in the dog food delivery from the porch, I hear about it. Sometimes it’s just grunts and groans. Sometimes they want to tell me what hurts, how long it’s been hurting, the suspected origin of the hurt, etc. And I do not want to hear it. It’s boring and pointlessly negative and so, so repetitive. We are in good health. They go to the doctor as often as needed. The things that can be addressed have been. The rest is just age. What can I do (kindly—they’re a sweet, sensitive soul) to get them to accept that their sore knee/stiff shoulder/plantar fasciitis is not interesting and will not improve by bitching about it. And that hearing about it is bumming me out on a daily basis? I know it’s a habit that can be broken, but how do I communicate that it’s a problem? We have at least a few more decades to get through, in which our bodies are unlikely to improve. I can’t take another 30 years of “conversation” about back twinges.

—My Back Hurts Too

banana468

Ask the partner if perhaps massages would help.   Be empathetic.  But also, learn the art of changing the conversation.

Casadena

This would drive me up a wall. But it's your partner, so have to sympathy/empathy, listen, and ask what might help them. Then come up with something more interesting to talk about and change the conversation. 

short+sassy

They need to tell their partner all of this, except don't use the words "boring" and "I don't want to hear this".

I don't think they can expect their partner to completely stop.  But this person can work on curtailing it.

But the LW is also being a bit flippant.  It's possible their partner is hurting a lot more than they are.  They also need tolerate and not complain about the "grunts and groans".  Those are more involuntary sounds.

MyNameIsNot

"We have at least a few more decades to get through, in which our bodies are unlikely to improve" might be the most depressing outlook on aging I've ever heard. 

Anyway, use your words. 

mrsconn23

MyNameIsNot said:

"We have at least a few more decades to get through, in which our bodies are unlikely to improve" might be the most depressing outlook on aging I've ever heard. 

Anyway, use your words. 

I also don't believe that either.  You can be more active and make other changes that will alleviate some of those common issues.  At some point, yes, age catches up to all of us. But in your 50's?  You can still get out and take a walk regularly at the very least unless you are truly physically incapable. 

Also, if I'm picking up a 40lb bag of softener salt, I may have a grunt or groan about it.  I'm sure dog food can be a similar weight.  LW needs to learn to ignore some of it.  

LW should learn the art of light 'bean dipping'.  Listen to your partner, make the appropriate comment, and then change the subject to something that is more pleasant.  Also, you better not bitch about any aches and pains you're having LW, unless an arm has been sawed clean off or something.  

charlotte989875

MyNameIsNot said:

"We have at least a few more decades to get through, in which our bodies are unlikely to improve" might be the most depressing outlook on aging I've ever heard. 

Anyway, use your words. 

Yah there are 70- year olds running marathons faster than I am. Sure some of that is genetics and wealth to see doctors, PTs, etc but a lot of it is continuing to move your body. 

MyNameIsNot

charlotte989875 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

"We have at least a few more decades to get through, in which our bodies are unlikely to improve" might be the most depressing outlook on aging I've ever heard. 

Anyway, use your words. 

Yah there are 70- year olds running marathons faster than I am. Sure some of that is genetics and wealth to see doctors, PTs, etc but a lot of it is continuing to move your body. 

But even if your body is on the decline, looking at your remaining years as "decades to get through" is awful. 

Anyway, this 72 y/o man kicked my ass last week on the trail in Peru, so aging goals.

banana468

Some people are just needing to complain.  I guarantee that if it's not an ache or a pain it's the pollen, dew point, the lack of sound in the middle school sound system or perhaps the loud motorcycles driving by.  

But if this person is ONLY complaining about the aches or pains use your words and talk!! 

levioosa

Honestly I will never get over the wide presentation of people who come to see me. Some are 40 and they seriously look 75. Other people are 83 and could be 60. Once again overwhelmingly, most of the older folks who look great, are mentally and physically well have limited alcohol, maintained good movement and physical activity, and eat reasonably healthy. Of course genetics plays a big part, but environmental/lifestyle factors matter a lot too. 

short+sassy

levioosa said:

Honestly I will never get over the wide presentation of people who come to see me. Some are 40 and they seriously look 75. Other people are 83 and could be 60. Once again overwhelmingly, most of the older folks who look great, are mentally and physically well have limited alcohol, maintained good movement and physical activity, and eat reasonably healthy. Of course genetics plays a big part, but environmental/lifestyle factors matter a lot too. 

For my small brag, I have amazing skin.  No wrinkles even though I'm 50.  Though now that I've lost a good bit of weight over the last year, my neck developed a little bit of saggy skin (boo!).

I don't deserve it, lol.  I've always been careful about using sunscreen if I'm going to be outside for any length of time.  I have also never smoked or been a heavy drinker.  But other than that, I've never had a skincare routine and don't use any products.  I know I should to stave off issues later.  But I don't want to take the time in the morning, so I've been lazy.

When people find out my age, they're usually surprised and ask me for my secrets.  I feel bad to tell them "genetics".

But it's true.  My mom is 75 and has a little bit of wrinkling around the outside of her eyes and some sag in her neck.  That's it.  My maternal grandma's facial/neck skin started to sag when she hit her 80s.  But she's in her late 90s now and still has minimal wrinkles.

FWIW, I don't have any aches and pains even though I've never been a very physically active person.  I am 50, I'm not in my 50s like the LW and their partner.  So it might be different in 5-10 years.  My H is 59 and pretty physically active.  He sounds like the LW.  He has mild aches and pains and takes naporexin (sp?) sodium every day, but that seems to solve it and he rarely complains about it.

levioosa

short+sassy said:

levioosa said:

Honestly I will never get over the wide presentation of people who come to see me. Some are 40 and they seriously look 75. Other people are 83 and could be 60. Once again overwhelmingly, most of the older folks who look great, are mentally and physically well have limited alcohol, maintained good movement and physical activity, and eat reasonably healthy. Of course genetics plays a big part, but environmental/lifestyle factors matter a lot too. 

For my small brag, I have amazing skin.  No wrinkles even though I'm 50.  Though now that I've lost a good bit of weight over the last year, my neck developed a little bit of saggy skin (boo!).

I don't deserve it, lol.  I've always been careful about using sunscreen if I'm going to be outside for any length of time.  I have also never smoked or been a heavy drinker.  But other than that, I've never had a skincare routine and don't use any products.  I know I should to stave off issues later.  But I don't want to take the time in the morning, so I've been lazy.

When people find out my age, they're usually surprised and ask me for my secrets.  I feel bad to tell them "genetics".

But it's true.  My mom is 75 and has a little bit of wrinkling around the outside of her eyes and some sag in her neck.  That's it.  My maternal grandma's facial/neck skin started to sag when she hit her 80s.  But she's in her late 90s now and still has minimal wrinkles.

Man I always knew the turkey neck was coming my way (thanks mom, grandma, aunt, lol), but now that I've lost weight it's realllly bad. I feel like from the face you would expect me to be my age or younger, but my neck is making me 10-15 years older. I'm seriously considering a neck lift if I keep this weight off consistently because it's making me self conscious. Meanwhile my 96 year old grandmother who passed honestly looked 20-25 years younger probably up until the last year or two. I hope that's the skin I get for the rest of my face. My dad's skin is also pretty great for his late 60s and the man literally never wore sunscreen and he was out in the sun for 12 hours a day for like 30-40 years. My mom's skin itself it pretty nice so I'm just praying those genetics will be blessed my way. lol.

short+sassy

@levioosa, Yes!  Me too!  I know I might need to get some work done when I hit my goal weight.  Including on my body, because that will be well over 100 lbs lost.  I've heard it's best to wait about a year after that, because the skin can do some bouncing back.

I started taking a collagen powder a few months ago and recently bought a neck tightening cream.  I've heard there are neck exercises that can help also and need to look more into that.

My fingernails are so much stronger since I started taking collagen powder, lmao.  But no improvement on my neck.

I'm down over 80 lbs and so far, so good!  I can see a little bit of pucker on my thighs, but nothing that bothers me.  I've heard about people who end up with flaps of skin after significant weight loss.  That's the kind of thing I would hate and want removed.

I think it also helps that I'm now losing weight somewhat slowly.  I lost my first 50 lbs in 5 months so that was pretty fast.  But then it was like that pace was more than cut in half, almost overnight. 

levioosa

@short+sassy I've thought about a breast lift and back lift, but I'm worried I'll hate the scars. I've seen a lot of super heavy scarring on the breasts with lifts and I'm worried that it's a bell I won't be able to unring if I do the surgery. I am totally down for a tummy tuck though. Overall I've lost about 80 known pounds and it might even be more because I never weighed myself at my heaviest. I'm not really interested in losing more weight at this point for "the number" to be lower, I'm more interested in toning up and losing more fat and replacing it with muscle. I know that certain things will require surgery. I take collagen and it does help a lot with the nails. The skin maybe a little bit. But overall I haven't noticed a big difference. I'm also pretty sure I have an autoimmune disease called Ehler's Danlos and while I don't have the skin presentation type of it, it does affect collagen and I wonder how that might affect cosmetic surgeries.