His expectations are ridic.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My sister and niece lived with me until my niece was 6. We are extremely close. She is 10 now and I spend time with her whenever I can. My fiancé has a 14-year-old daughter and an 11-year-old son. He has them every other weekend and we get along pretty well. Out of the blue, my fiancé accused me of not loving his kids like I love my niece. He told me that I spend more time and attention on her than I do them.

Here is where I bumbled. I told him that I like his kids but yeah, I don’t love them like my niece. It would be crazy to expect that. I have known her since she was born. And his kids have two perfectly good parents. It wasn’t my place to step in, especially at their ages. This sparked a huge fight, one that has me rethinking our entire relationship. I mean, I am here because I love him. I know he and his kids are a package deal, but I feel like he is putting in an impossible emotional situation. I certainly don’t think my own stepfather loved my sister or me like his own son. They got married when my sister and I were in high school. Am I out of bounds here?

—Like Not Love

banana468

I have mixed feelings on this.  What is the thought of how much time she's spending with the niece vs. his kids?  I don't think the LW is out of bounds but I'm curious if the LW is foregoing more events with the future step kids in favor of the niece.

charlotte989875

You’re not out of bounds and his expectations are too high. If you like them, treat them with respect, help meet their needs- that’s all that’s required. Maybe more affection will come and maybe it won’t. But your feelings towards them are not related to your feelings for your niece and he’s trying to compare them. Try and talk that out with him but if you’re rethinking things maybe out a pause on wedding planning until you can find more common ground. 

mrsconn23

charlotte989875 said:

You’re not out of bounds and his expectations are too high. If you like them, treat them with respect, help meet their needs- that’s all that’s required. Maybe more affection will come and maybe it won’t. But your feelings towards them are not related to your feelings for your niece and he’s trying to compare them. Try and talk that out with him but if you’re rethinking things maybe out a pause on wedding planning until you can find more common ground. 

Agreed. 

The *only* caveat is if LW is planning things with their niece on his weekends with the kids.  I can see how he'd start feeling that way.  But his reaction and expectations are too much.  

STARMOON44

Red flag 

flantastic

Golly I am tired of people trying to force emotional closeness because they have some imaginary version of their big happy family.

The only thing I would ask is: "Have you heard from the kids that they'd like to be closer to me?"

levioosa

I'm kind of erring on the side of "this is a big red flag and you should just end it now." But either way, do not pass go. You both need couples counseling if you're going to have a successful relationship long term.