Five years of this?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

How many times do you need to ask a partner to do something? My husband and I eat avocados almost daily. When he finishes an avocado, he leaves it (and the spoon) on our very small kitchen counter. I think that this is gross, messy, and unsanitary. The compost bin is on the same counter. He is self-diagnosed with ADHD and on the autism spectrum, so I give him many allowances in the kitchen (he does the majority of the cooking, I exclusively do other tasks, and I work with a therapist on being accepting of his neurodivergence). However, I have asked for five years for the avocado and his peanut butter spoon to be put away. He doesn’t understand why it bugs me. I have explained that I also have things that are important to me that might be hard for him to understand. It seems like I will only get consideration if I am neurodivergent. His daughter also has autism and ADHD (diagnosed) so I often feel like an outsider.

—How Many Times?

short+sassy

I could be a little more understanding if, due to his disability, he has trouble noticing/remembering to do this.

But it sounds more like he doesn't care that it bugs the OP because it isn't important to him.  So just do it because it will make your partner happy.

Nobody wants to clean up after a grown-ass man, dude.  Especially his trash.

banana468

leave the stuff there.  Let it pile up.  And stop cleaning up after the man child.

short+sassy

banana468 said:

leave the stuff there.  Let it pile up.  And stop cleaning up after the man child.

Even better, keep putting his trash and dirty spoons on his desk.

MyNameIsNot

He's weaponizing ND because he doesn't care about what bothers you. 

Divorcing over an avocado seems a bit much, but this guy is a full asshole. 

levioosa

short+sassy said:

banana468 said:

leave the stuff there.  Let it pile up.  And stop cleaning up after the man child.

Even better, keep putting his trash and dirty spoons on his desk.

I did that to BIL C when we lived with him, except it was with his goddamn dirty pots and pans. He would cook and then never clean his coookware. "I'm going to use it later." Yeah, except you know you don't and we need them too so we end up cleaning them. So I bought my own universal large pan and a pot for personal use that I kept in our room (yes, I was being petty), and then I dumped all 10 pans he had used over the past week that were full of dirty food on his bed. And he got (marginally) better after that. Or at least it was the same single pan he would leave dirty and that was an improvement so I left it alone and then we moved out. 

mrsconn23

I feel like the whole, "I'm neurodivergent and therefore I can get out of housework/doing my full job/being polite/basic courtesy/etc. because of this," is the sibling to weaponizing therapy-speak.  Yes, your brain may not work in a similar fashion to 'normal' people, but it's on you to work around that to lead a productive life, be a good partner, worker, person, etc.  Also, just like sexuality...everyone is on the spectrum.  No one's brain works the exact same as anyone else's and everyone has strengths and weaknesses.  Play to your strengths and work on your weaknesses, but YOU do that.  Don't make other people in your life responsible for it. /steps off soapbox

This guy is willfully being an asshole.  He's also saying his kid can do the same thing.  What he's doing is fucking gross and I'd have a hard time staying with him if he refused to make any strides.  Leaving him would not make you an ableist asshole, LW...just a person who could not deal with someone's unwillingness to change to make your life better.