You and your H are right, and his sister is entirely wrong.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My sister-in-law got engaged recently and immediately shared their intent to have a destination wedding in Hawaii (we all live in the northeast U.S.). I told her that I know my schedule is not the most important factor to consider, but that I wouldn’t be able to be there if it weren’t over an established school break time as I am a teacher and I only get sick days (that require doctor documentation) and no other types of time off. I can request unpaid time, but my school has even been denying those requests this year due to our severe lack of substitutes. Her fiancé has a school-aged child, so I didn’t think it was a huge ask anyway since I assumed they would schedule it over one of her breaks. A few weeks later, they let us know they had scheduled for one week before spring break as the prices over the break were too high.

When my husband and I got home that night, we talked about it and agreed that I would request a few unpaid days to try to go and have some vacation time, but if they were denied just he would go and I’d keep our kids (ages 1 and 3) at home with me. My time off request was denied by the end of the day I submitted it. My husband let his sister know that he would be there and asked about events in the days before to figure out when he should fly in/out. She got upset and said she had planned on everyone being there for the full week before the wedding. He told her she should’ve scheduled the wedding for the last weekend of spring break then, since she knew my schedule limitations. She told him that the kids had to come with him at the very least because she wanted them to be in the wedding. He told her that it didn’t work for our schedule and family and he would be the only one there. She made some comments back that he wouldn’t specifically share with me (I suspect they were nasty remarks about me) and he ended up telling her that it seemed like none of us were needed at the wedding and he would just be staying home, too. Now her fiancé, his parents, and his other sister are all hounding us non-stop about needing to make it a priority to be there. Are we really that wrong in all this?

—Hawaii Isn’t a Weekend Trip for Me

banana468

The idea of even considering a short trip to Hawaii from the NE sounds monumentally painful to me. 

You're not wrong and the SIL is beyond out of line.  Keep doing what you're doing.

Casadena

Man, people really have blinders on about their weddings. Of course you and your fam are in the right LW. SIL is ridiculous.

mrsconn23

Have these people offered to pay for your tickets, accommodations, unpaid time-off, and can potentially cover if you lose your job to attend this wedding?  No...?

Their opinion means nothing then.  Their choices have made it impossible for you to attend. 

And then to double down by being insulting?  Yes, I want to fly for 15+ hours with a ONE AND THREE YEAR OLD and spend $$$$ (so much money, all the money) to hang out with people who bullied me and also talk shit behind my back.  Right.  

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

Have these people offered to pay for your tickets, accommodations, unpaid time-off, and can potentially cover if you lose your job to attend this wedding?  No...?

Their opinion means nothing then.  Their choices have made it impossible for you to attend. 

And then to double down by being insulting?  Yes, I want to fly for 15+ hours with a ONE AND THREE YEAR OLD and spend $$$$ (so much money, all the money) to hang out with people who bullied me and also talk shit behind my back.  Right.  

I would be having the BEST time without them that weekend. 

short+sassy

Sounds like that's tough s**t for you, SIL.  Welcome to consequences.  How can she be so angry when she is the delusional one.

If they wanted the LW there, they should have scheduled it over spring break or the summer.  The LW was very clear and they didn't listen.

Let me tell you what the flights are like coming back from HI...when the time change is against you.  You're probably spending the night in a layover airport, unless you find some unicorn and expensive flight.  That is a nightmare for an adult to deal with.  Good luck with a baby and a toddler.

banana468

short+sassy said:

Sounds like that's tough s**t for you, SIL.  Welcome to consequences.  How can she be so angry when she is the delusional one.

If they wanted the LW there, they should have scheduled it over spring break or the summer.  The LW was very clear and they didn't listen.

Let me tell you what the flights are like coming back from HI...when the time change is against you.  You're probably spending the night in a layover airport, unless you find some unicorn and expensive flight.  That is a nightmare for an adult to deal with.  Good luck with a baby and a toddler.

Yup.  There are a few reasons that we've opted to drive for the two family vacations to Florida and those are flights without time changes!    

levioosa

I live literally as close to Hawaii as one can be in the continental US, and even I wouldn't go for 1-2 nights, and that's a straight flight without layovers. Let alone the fact that Hawaii is insanely expensive. You're still looking at thousands of dollars for that trip. Who is this delusional woman and family? 

short+sassy

levioosa said:

I live literally as close to Hawaii as one can be in the continental US, and even I wouldn't go for 1-2 nights, and that's a straight flight without layovers. Let alone the fact that Hawaii is insanely expensive. You're still looking at thousands of dollars for that trip. Who is this delusional woman and family? 

Right!  I don't want to fly anywhere for only a couple days, even when it is a short flight.

When my H and I went to Hawaii a couple years ago, We broke up the flight on the way back by staying in CA for a few days to visit family.

That actually broke it up almost in half.  But it is still a long flight just to CA!

If we hadn't done that, the next best option was two flight changes.  With the second one being in Denver.  That flight would have arrived at 1am.  Then a 7-hour layover in the middle of the night until the first flight to NOLA at 8am.  NO thank you!

In fact, I was booking my flight when Southwest was running a special.  I was so confused.  It was giving me departure flights from NOLA just fine, but no return flight options.  I called customer service to find out what was going on.  Because all the return flights were going over two days, they weren't coming up.  I'd have to manually book the two legs of the journey separately.  Quite frankly, that's a fault in their system that the other airlines I checked didn't have.  But that was how they worked, at least for a Hawaii itinerary.     

We were always planning to stop in CA, but were trying to decide if it was better to do it on the way there or on the way back.  It quickly became a no-brainer it should be on the way back.