WFH =/= available at any time for personal stuff.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My sister-in-law is 23 and refuses to learn how to drive. Her parents chauffeur her everywhere, despite the fact that our part of the country makes it nearly impossible to get anywhere without a car. My father-in-law lost his job and got offered another one out of state. Only my SIL doesn’t want to go with them, since her school and friends are here. My husband and I live on the outskirts of the city, so any travel is a trek through horrible construction and traffic. My in-laws want us to put up with my SIL until she graduates next year.

My husband wants to do a trial run. I refuse. I work from home, so I am going to be the one driving Miss Daisy around. My SIL is not disabled in any way. I have suggested that she needs to look into moving in with a friend or learn to drive before the move. She got upset and accused me of not caring about her education. I told her it wasn’t my job to hold her hand like her parents do. This is a huge bone of contention between my in-laws and me. My husband thinks I am being unreasonable. A big part of me keeping my remote position was that I don’t want to deal with the daily grind of traffic. And the university is clear on the other side of the city.

charlotte989875

A trial run is absolutely going to be permanent so don’t agree to it unless you’re sure. 

If you’re fine with her moving in make it a condition she learns to drive (and gets her own car). Or takes Ubers. Or pays a friend to drive her. But be clear if she moves in you’re not driving her to school, or anywhere else, unless you’re already heading in that direction. 

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

A trial run is absolutely going to be permanent so don’t agree to it unless you’re sure. 

If you’re fine with her moving in make it a condition she learns to drive (and gets her own car). Or takes Ubers. Or pays a friend to drive her. But be clear if she moves in you’re not driving her to school, or anywhere else, unless you’re already heading in that direction. 

This.  I'd be clear that living with you and you being transportation are not the same.  Let them know up front that housing may be one thing but there needs to be a budget for how she will get around that does not involve you or your H.  

flantastic

I'd say you are responsible for your own transportation, and do not be surprised when you miss your first day of classes if you don't take said responsibility. Because I'm telling you now that it won't be me who's driving you.

mrsconn23

If SIL is this helpless about getting around, lord only knows what else she 'can't' do for ((reasons)).  I think moving her in could be a potential Pandora's Box that could end LW's marriage since it will be IL's (4 of them, minimum) vs. LW.  

I can totally see SIL bounding into LW's office in a panic because she overslept or her uber was going to be late or her friend didn't pick her up and can LW pleasepleaseplease get her to school.  When LW is all, "I can't because I'm working," WWIII will commence.  

I'd keep saying no.  There is no upside for LW, especially being the person in the home all.the.time. 

Casadena

I've noticed this trend so much with friends/their kids/cousins etc that so many people of driving age, in places where you really can't function easily without driving, just have no interest in doing it. I do not understand. I was at the courthouse in line 10 minutes before it opened on my 16th birthday so i could get my license and it felt like i had waited FOREVER. 

Anyway. 

Don't let SIL move in. It will be a disaster for everyone involved. She can move in with friends like a lot of college students do and figure it out. 

banana468

Casadena said:

I've noticed this trend so much with friends/their kids/cousins etc that so many people of driving age, in places where you really can't function easily without driving, just have no interest in doing it. I do not understand. I was at the courthouse in line 10 minutes before it opened on my 16th birthday so i could get my license and it felt like i had waited FOREVER. 

Anyway. 

Don't let SIL move in. It will be a disaster for everyone involved. She can move in with friends like a lot of college students do and figure it out. 

Our state regulations are such a PITA for young drivers (like DH's coworker is a parent of twins who were not legally allowed to drive the other around for 6 months) but so many still NEED a license to function or else it's mom and dad taking them EVERYEWHERE.  

Casadena

banana468 said:

Casadena said:

I've noticed this trend so much with friends/their kids/cousins etc that so many people of driving age, in places where you really can't function easily without driving, just have no interest in doing it. I do not understand. I was at the courthouse in line 10 minutes before it opened on my 16th birthday so i could get my license and it felt like i had waited FOREVER. 

Anyway. 

Don't let SIL move in. It will be a disaster for everyone involved. She can move in with friends like a lot of college students do and figure it out. 

Our state regulations are such a PITA for young drivers (like DH's coworker is a parent of twins who were not legally allowed to drive the other around for 6 months) but so many still NEED a license to function or else it's mom and dad taking them EVERYEWHERE.  

That's horrible! And to be fair, i'm very removed from requirements to get a license. I also grew up in a rural area where you could get drive alone to work and/or school at 14 if you lived far enough away. So I'm sure my baseline is skewed. But so often i hear from coworkers/etc that even if their kids CAN get their license, they just don't WANT to do it. It just makes no sense to me why kids wouldn't WANT that freedom if it's in option for them. 

levioosa

Omg grow up. SIL is 23, not 18. She needs to support her own education by learning how to drive or taking the bus or Ubers (and paying for them).

I have a friend who...somehow...has managed to make it to our late thirties in Southern California without a license. I have no idea how. Transit improves a little the closer you are to LA, but it's not great and it takes forever. But she does it, she uses all of the public transit. I can only imagine how much money she's saved over the years without the cost of a car but still, there is zero chance with our shitty transit that I would sacrifice extra time to commute on public transit every day. It does get a little annoying for me to drive out to see her constantly, because she lives 1.5 hours away, which means if she tries to take the train it's like a 3.5 hour commute to me, which makes me feel bad, and also makes a quick catch up impossible. So I either drive out to her, or she has to spend the night. I tried to teach her how to drive once (in our late 20s) and it was the scene straight out of Bob's Burgers where in an empty parking lot she managed to beeline directly for the one obstacle, the light post, while going three mph as I yelled starting from the 200 foot mark to hit the brakes and she still hit it lol. 

ei34

I think the bigger issue is her moving in, and LW and the H not being on the same page (and H calling her unreasonable).  23 isn't a kid.  I wouldn't let her move in without a lease, clearly stating the move out date/once college is over she's out.  The driving piece feels more simple to me.  Uber is a thing.

short+sassy

Turn the tables on the conversation.  "SIL, you're the one who doesn't care about your education if you won't do something simple like learn to drive or move in with friends, closer to campus."

Edited to add:  The LW didn't mention public transportation.  Since it's a city large enough to have a university, I'd think there should be some and the niece can plan for that.

banana468

Casadena said:

banana468 said:

Casadena said:

I've noticed this trend so much with friends/their kids/cousins etc that so many people of driving age, in places where you really can't function easily without driving, just have no interest in doing it. I do not understand. I was at the courthouse in line 10 minutes before it opened on my 16th birthday so i could get my license and it felt like i had waited FOREVER. 

Anyway. 

Don't let SIL move in. It will be a disaster for everyone involved. She can move in with friends like a lot of college students do and figure it out. 

Our state regulations are such a PITA for young drivers (like DH's coworker is a parent of twins who were not legally allowed to drive the other around for 6 months) but so many still NEED a license to function or else it's mom and dad taking them EVERYEWHERE.  

That's horrible! And to be fair, i'm very removed from requirements to get a license. I also grew up in a rural area where you could get drive alone to work and/or school at 14 if you lived far enough away. So I'm sure my baseline is skewed. But so often i hear from coworkers/etc that even if their kids CAN get their license, they just don't WANT to do it. It just makes no sense to me why kids wouldn't WANT that freedom if it's in option for them. 

Yeah - it changed after DH and I got our licenses.  We didn't need a learner's permit when we got ours however now that's a requirement and there are the graduated abilities when you DO get your license.   Now you cannot drive with anyone other than your parents or an instructor after you get your license for the first 6 mo.  And that instructor has to be at least 20 and licensed for at least 4 years with no suspensions.  So Chiquita can drive with Chiquito when Chiquito gets his license IF she's had hers for at least 4 years.  But she can't pick him up from school within the first 6 months of getting her license.  

MyNameIsNot

Casadena said:

banana468 said:

Casadena said:

I've noticed this trend so much with friends/their kids/cousins etc that so many people of driving age, in places where you really can't function easily without driving, just have no interest in doing it. I do not understand. I was at the courthouse in line 10 minutes before it opened on my 16th birthday so i could get my license and it felt like i had waited FOREVER. 

Anyway. 

Don't let SIL move in. It will be a disaster for everyone involved. She can move in with friends like a lot of college students do and figure it out. 

Our state regulations are such a PITA for young drivers (like DH's coworker is a parent of twins who were not legally allowed to drive the other around for 6 months) but so many still NEED a license to function or else it's mom and dad taking them EVERYEWHERE.  

That's horrible! And to be fair, i'm very removed from requirements to get a license. I also grew up in a rural area where you could get drive alone to work and/or school at 14 if you lived far enough away. So I'm sure my baseline is skewed. But so often i hear from coworkers/etc that even if their kids CAN get their license, they just don't WANT to do it. It just makes no sense to me why kids wouldn't WANT that freedom if it's in option for them. 

I was also first in line at 16, but I don't think I'd be in quite such a rush today. It's not the freedom so much as the responsibility. I had to work 25 hrs/wk at McD's for $4/hr to cover car note and expenses, which meant I couldn't do extracurriculars or sports. I would have much rather picked up the odd babysitting job to cover an uber here or there and taken the bus to school. 

Anyway, this is 100% a husband problem. He's an asshole.