Sister and Brother-in-Laws Wedding Scheduled on the Same Day

knottiee0a9d3339320e924

I'm reaching out for some guidance as I navigate a difficult decision regarding two weddings scheduled on the same date. My sister (F 22) and my husband’s brother (M 26) are both getting married, and I'm torn about which event to attend.

To provide some context, my relationship with my sister has always been strained, particularly highlighted during my own wedding three years ago. She not only made the bridesmaid dress shopping experience unpleasant with her attitude and snide remarks, but she also arrived late to our scheduled hair and makeup appointment on the morning of my wedding. Additionally, she chose to wear white shoes and nails, which caused some discomfort on my special day.

Despite these challenges, I included her in my wedding party out of familial obligation. However, now that she's planning her own wedding, she has made it clear that she doesn't want me to be part of her bridal party, which has been hurtful. It's worth noting that she has our brother in the wedding as a groomsman.

On the other hand, my husband's brother and his fiancée have graciously invited me to be a bridesmaid in their wedding, and my husband is the best man.

Given the strained relationship with my sister and the opportunity to support my husband's family, I'm leaning towards attending my brother-in-law's wedding. However, this decision is causing tension within my family, particularly with my parents, who insist that as the older sibling, I should do the right thing.

I'm really struggling with what to do here. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

MobKaz

knottiee0a9d3339320e924 said:

I'm reaching out for some guidance as I navigate a difficult decision regarding two weddings scheduled on the same date. My sister (F 22) and my husband’s brother (M 26) are both getting married, and I'm torn about which event to attend.

To provide some context, my relationship with my sister has always been strained, particularly highlighted during my own wedding three years ago. She not only made the bridesmaid dress shopping experience unpleasant with her attitude and snide remarks, but she also arrived late to our scheduled hair and makeup appointment on the morning of my wedding. Additionally, she chose to wear white shoes and nails, which caused some discomfort on my special day.

Despite these challenges, I included her in my wedding party out of familial obligation. However, now that she's planning her own wedding, she has made it clear that she doesn't want me to be part of her bridal party, which has been hurtful. It's worth noting that she has our brother in the wedding as a groomsman.

On the other hand, my husband's brother and his fiancée have graciously invited me to be a bridesmaid in their wedding, and my husband is the best man.

Given the strained relationship with my sister and the opportunity to support my husband's family, I'm leaning towards attending my brother-in-law's wedding. However, this decision is causing tension within my family, particularly with my parents, who insist that as the older sibling, I should do the right thing.

I'm really struggling with what to do here. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

What was your relationship with your sister like prior to your wedding?  Your sister was 19 at the time you married.  Many at that age are still very immature and self absorbed.  While annoying and aggravating, none of the "challenges" you describe from your wedding are earth shattering or worthy of losing a relationship over.  At the time you asked her to be a part of your wedding party, was it obvious it was done out of "obligation"?  Perhaps that explains her behavior? 

Do you know if you are being included in your BIL's wedding out of "obligation" and to make things easier since your husband is best man?  How is that relationship typically?

Are the events in close enough proximity that you could attend your sister's ceremony and join your husband for the reception of his brother?  The decision you make will impact the entire family.  I'm not sure your family has the right to tell you what is "the right thing", however. 

flantastic

Hmm. The drama you mention does not seem earth-shattering. (White shoes and nails, really? You couldn't roll your eyes and ignore that?)

It's possible she realized that she didn't want what you had, which is a sister who doesn't seem to like her standing next to her as she makes the greatest commitment of her life. When you have never been close, people don't see being included in a bridal party as some grand gesture of "I'd love to be closer" - siblings can absolutely read an invite to the bridal party correctly as "I felt like I had to have you because we have the same parent(s)." Do you really want to be included in her bridal party out of obligation when you're not close? For whom is that fun? You? Her?

That said, skipping her wedding altogether makes it seem like you don't value the relationship at all. There are people with whom I'm not super close but who I wouldn't want to actually cut out of my life. Not attending the wedding at all might be a difficult thing to come back from, as a family.

I skipped my H's brother's wedding for much less serious reasons than my own sibling's wedding (we weren't married or engaged at the time). We're great friends with them. Everyone on your H's side of the family should understand if you go to your own sister's wedding, and you can still be close with your BIL and SIL without being in their bridal party, or even attending.

climbingsingle

Does your sister know you had her in the bridal party out of obligation? That could explain why she didn’t ask you. 

And really - white nail polish? That’s one of the things you were upset with her for? 

banana468

Being upset over white nail polish really seems to be looking for reasons to be upset. 

I would need to weigh way more to determine what is the better option here because the reasons you describe are contrived IMO.  Could you try to do both? 

MyNameIsNot

You're still upset about white nail polish 3 years later?! 

If you never want to have a relationship with your sister, go ahead and skip her wedding. But doing it over some white nail polish is top tier childish. 

Maybe you'll want to build a relationship when you've matured some, maybe you won't. Adding fuel to the fire here is not going to help you if you do eventually want one. It's also not going to endear you to other family members. 

banana468

To add, if you say, "Well the white nail polish" in any phrasing it's going to come across as you grasping at straws for reasons to be angry.  If she didn't show up in a white gown she's in the clear.

I think it's odd that dates were picked to be the same day.  I'm kind of curious who booked first because you usually check with VIPs to find out what conflicts are before booking.  That said, I'd strongly consider splitting with the husband that day to attend the respective weddings.

Not a wedding but many years ago my grandfather's funeral and cousin's wedding were the same day.  My dad attended the funeral in the morning to be there with my mom and by her side and went to the reception for my cousin where I attended as a bridesmaid.  It was a day of tough choices. 

MesmrEwe

You're asked to be in one wedding but not the other on the same day.  Short answer drama notwithstanding is you go to the one you're standing up in.  

Yes, the drama you mentioned is overboard, it's wearing a white/cream DRESS on the wedding day that's frowned upon, not accessories/shoes/nails.  People wear pearls to weddings all the time, it's okay and a positive, and, most of all, they're typically a shade of white!  As others mentioned, she was 19, and I'm also guessing she may have had a reasonable reason for being late but butting heads won over humanity.  Some people aren't timekeepers (Time blindness is a thing!) and stuff happens that delays people especially surrounding events..  Murphy's Law...   Life happens!  If you talked to any of your vendors, they have the "what typically happens" down to a science!  Wedding day timelines rarely if ever are followed with military precision!

For whatever reason your sister doesn't have you standing up in her wedding, that's okay, and that's her choice, and also possibly frustrating the obligatory invite wasn't returned.  Obviously, if the timing works out depending on the distance between venues, make a however brief appearance at your Sister's event then get to your BIL's wedding.  At some point it's okay for the pettiness to end!

levioosa

You're insinuating that sister is a drama llama, but honestly, white shoes and nails? You are looking for reasons to dislike her. Being 19 doesn't absolve her from showing up late, or complaining about dresses she doesn't like, but it does make sense. Sounds like she was acting like a typical teen. 

No one can answer this for you. Are the weddings close enough to attend both? Ditto basically everything banana said.