Dear Prudence,
My newborn son is donor-conceived. I’m single. I had, I thought, been very clear with my parents and close friends when trying to conceive (I only shared my life journey with a few people) that I wanted paternity kept private. I just feel that it’s no one’s story but mine/my son’s—either people know me well enough to ask me or don’t need to know! If I was in a couple, no one would be asking “Was it IVF?” In my own life, I haven’t really had invasive questions about paternity. There’s only one friend who really probed when they asked about paternity. I made it clear I wasn’t going to share and then they stopped asking. I told my very few close friends who did know that, if anyone asked them, they could say I was single by choice and if people pushed, to respond either to ask me myself or say I was keeping it private.
To be clear, I know people will make assumptions—what I don’t like is the idea of conversations about such a personal thing taking place when I’m not part of that conversation. I also wanted it to be up to my child how much/what/when he tells people in the future so I wanted to keep the people that knew to a minimum. My parents agreed but now the entirety of my parents’ friends seem to know (at least 100 people). At a recent party, people I hadn’t seen in years approached me and congratulated me on the pregnancy while also making it clear they knew about my IVF journey. My parents insist they didn’t tell anyone other than two of their friends—but, prior to me actually being pregnant, did share that I was considering solo parenthood via IVF. So while they may not have directly shared the circumstances when I was actually pregnant, they certainly laid the groundwork and don’t seem to have laid down any expectation for my privacy—and reading between the lines, haven’t done any damage limitation when people have assumed!
The other day, another friend came to me with questions about IVF because another friend told her I’d done it… I don’t even think I’d told that friend so assumptions were presented as fact! Do people just not respect privacy or was this always an unrealistic ask on my part? It seems the ship has fully sailed. I’m really upset and frustrated, especially with my parents. But perhaps that’s ridiculous as obviously my baby came from somewhere and I’m single. Am I being unfair? Is there any way of reclaiming the privacy I want?
—Permission to Share