Y'all need some deep, intensive therapy, like yesterday.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Three years ago, my brother-in-law died in a car wreck. My husband was driving, but it wasn’t his fault. The other driver ran a red light and slammed into their car. Since then, my husband has been wracked with guilt and goes out of his way to spend time with his two nephews. I can’t blame him for that. I am frustrated that my former sister-in-law thinks nothing of monopolizing my husband rather than taking care of things herself. She doesn’t call a plumber or a mechanic or any other dozen jobs if she can get my husband to do it for her. She thinks nothing about anyone else.

I am having a high-risk pregnancy and have been on mandatory bedrest. My husband needs to be here at our home. We also have a bathroom that we are remodeling. Our hands are full. The last time she called, my husband and I had a big fight. Her shower head was leaking and she wanted my husband to come over and fix it. My husband started to cry and said that he promised his brother before he died he would take care of his family. My question is, what about our family? The stress of the situation is so bad that I am thinking of going to stay with my parents until the baby is born.

—Our Family

charlotte989875

Everyone here needs therapy. Bed rest and a high risk pregnancy is so hard it’s not unreasonable to expect your husband to do things at home. But he can’t be home every second of the day. There must be some compromise here.

 It’s also not unreasonable for your husband to want to help his brothers widow. You seem to have a lot of anger towards her when maybe he is telling her to call him for all of this. You seem to think shes “monopolizing” him and making her out to be selfish and it’s entirely possible your husband is insisting she call him. Either way this isn’t actually anyone’s fault and there’s no one to blame. Figure out a system that works for all of you. 

MyNameIsNot

I don't understand why you wouldn't address this before deciding to have a baby. It's clearly been a point of contention between them for a while.

Going to your parents until the baby is born isn't going to fix anything; it's just going to delay the issue until you're home with a new born instead of pregnant. 

mrsconn23

MyNameIsNot said:

I don't understand why you wouldn't address this before deciding to have a baby. It's clearly been a point of contention between them for a while.

This is what I keep coming back to.  If this has been your life for the last three years, then why didn't you address any of it before you got pregnant? 

Shitting on a widow isn't going to score you any points.  Clearly, your H is doing this out of love, loyalty, and guilt.  SIL is still deep in grieving and raising kids as a solo parent.  It's a very complicated situation.  

I have deep concerns about LW packing up and leaving for her parents indefinitely.  I feel that as tenuous as this situation is, it will not help the future of her marriage.  However, I've also never had a high-risk pregnancy and been on bedrest.  So LW does need better support and to limit stress. 

This is hard because no one is wrong here, but it's being handled so poorly.  This is detrimental to everyone.  

Why do I feel like this impending baby was a 'fix-it' situation?  Ugh.  

Casadena

I can totally see though how before pregnancy/baby this was a "I don't love it all the time, but its a totally understandable situation that i'm fine with overall" and has turned into more of a "listen, i understand your need to help but now I/we need you here and it's not working anymore to drop anything/everything as soon as SIL needs something. You have to balance that with your own family - how can we make this work for everyone" situation. Things have changed, people have need to adjust a some even if it's hard. 

Agreed it's something they maybe should have thought of before a pregnancy, but I can see how it didn't even really feel like a big deal until then. 

MyNameIsNot

mrsconn23 said:

Why do I feel like this impending baby was a 'fix-it' situation?  Ugh.  

This is what I think too. As in she was thinking "once we have a baby, he'll have to switch his focus to us and this will be fixed" and he was thinking "once we have a baby she'll understand why SIL needs me so much and this will be fixed." So no one is using their words.