This is frustrating, but have you stopped to ask him why he's struggling.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have been married for three years and been together five all together. He has a 15-year-old and an 8-year-old. We have them alternating weeks. The kids are great, but we got married during a COVID scare, so basically no wedding and honeymoon. We each get two weeks of vacation at our jobs and every hour is spent on a family vacation. This year, a college friend invited us to visit her in Germany. It would essentially be a 12-day trip where we could explore Europe. Her husband has a family that offered to host us for a night or two in Italy. It is a dream come true for us; only, the enthusiasm of my husband is circling the drain.

His kids are whining about going to their grandparents while we are going to Europe. Neither has passports and we already have tickets, but my husband has been making excuses about rescheduling for next year and having us go to the beach with the kids instead. I am absolutely livid! This is a one-time offer, I took extra shifts to save for this, and I want my honeymoon! We had a big fight where he called me “selfish” and said I wasn’t putting the kids first. I told him to find his backbone and he shouldn’t have married me if I was always going to be second place in his priorities. The kids getting their needs first is obviously important, but no kid needs a trip to Europe, and not on a honeymoon.

I am driving a 16-year-old car because we couldn’t afford an additional car payment when my stepdaughter needed more expensive braces. My parents went on trips without us kids. My sister and brother do it with their spouses. Many times, we have taken on the kids of friends because they wanted to go into the city overnight. His ex left the kids with us four times last year when she went to weddings/girl trips/Mexico, etc. I am not asking for my husband to move heaven and earth here. He is usually good at keeping boundaries with the kids on things like eating your veggies or doing their homework, but this is just so out of bounds it is in another zip code. I want to see my friend. I am going on this trip. I just don’t know what I am coming back to. Help!

—No Honey on this Honeymoon

charlotte989875

Ask him why he wants to change plans? Is it solely that the kids want to go? If that’s the case then I’d be more insistent about going as planned. If there’s something bigger going on (they’re having problems with mom and don’t want to stay with her, they don’t feel like they get enough down time with dad) I’d try and get to the bottom of it without making an ultimatum. Figure out what’s going on first before you decide to go alone. 

MyNameIsNot

I'd go alone. 

mrsconn23

Ugh.  I feel for this LW.  I think the only misstep they made was to throw it in their H's face that they don't want to 'come second' to the kids all the time.  It's just never, ever a winning argument and is something that is very hard to come back from (hi, stepmom for 20 years now...so I know a thing or two about these types of pickles). 

I think LW needs to dig deep and have a calm, non-accusatory, non-judgmental conversation regarding their concerns about his sudden change of heart.  If he still can't come around, I'd go to Europe to clear my head and think about if this is going to really work out or not.  And if LW wants it to work since their priorities don't seem to be aligned with their H.  

I understand travel anxiety.  I get it every time we leave town and leave our kids (well DefConn only now) behind.  I was a wreck before we left on our 10th anniversary trip to Hawaii.  But you have to push through. 

FWIW, I think his argument about the kids not wanting to stay with their grandparents and being upset their dad is going to Europe without them is total bullshit.  I get why LW is all, "fuck them kids, the beach will be there next summer", but he's not, so... 

I also wonder if this has always been a low-lying thing the whole time, but since they met and married during the pandemic, it never came up.  That sucks for LW, but there had to have been signs if that is the case. 

short+sassy

The LW should speak with her H more about this.  It sounds like the kids are mainly complaining about the fact that they aren't invited to Europe.  Plus this trip means they won't have their usual week-long vacation at the beach.  The kids need to suck it up and the LW's H needs to grow a backbone.

It sounds like money is tight.  Which makes me question how the H can afford to eat his plane ticket, while also taking the kids to the beach.  But nonetheless, perhaps they can soften the blow to the children by doing some fun weekend or day trips over the summer.

But if the H still refuses to go, I am 100% Team Go Alone.  They can plan and save for another big trip when his kids are older.  Possibly an UO, but I think it's weird when people call trips they take years after getting married their "honeymoon".  A great trip with just your spouse is awesome anyway.  It doesn't need to be given extra emotional weight by calling it a honeymoon.

I had the opportunity to go on a heavily discounted Western Mediterranean cruise.  But my H couldn't go because he's not eligible to get a passport (child support issues).

I really wish he could have gone.  But no way was I missing out on that!  So I went by myself and saw amazing places.  The LW should not squander this opportunity.