Dear Prudence,
What obligation do I have to support a relationship between my toddler-age kids and my mostly estranged mother? The backstory is that my mother and I had a fraught relationship for decades, and after years of therapy and self-reflection, I realized that the healthiest thing for my family and myself was to disconnect from our toxic dynamic. I told her as much during an uncomfortable visit six months ago, and she hasn’t reached out to me since. However, she has sent me a few messages asking me to set up a FaceTime for her and my two very young kids. I did it a couple of times, but my kids are too young to sit in one place and engage in a conversation, so it ended with them wandering off and me awkwardly and abruptly ending the call.
It’s painful to listen to my 2-year-old being misunderstood in his toddler-talk, and resisting the urge to help translate. She recently sent my kids a package in the mail with some art supplies and a self-addressed envelope asking them to send her some pictures to put in her fridge. I’m torn, because this would mean that I need to facilitate this and mail these little presents to her, and somehow that feels to me like I’m getting sucked into a one-sided dynamic again where I care for her and get nothing in return. My husband says she doesn’t get to have a relationship with her grandkids and be rude and abusive to their mom, me. Can you weigh in on this? Am I wrong to ignore her attempts to cut out the middleman and still have a relationship with my kids? Should I just stay silently in the background and keep setting up FaceTimes?
—Unwelcome Middle-Man