You need to have the 'intent vs. impact' convo with him.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am getting married to a wonderful man next year. I have struggled with an eating disorder for most of my life (requiring past medical treatment and ongoing therapy) but have had things under control for about four years now and am grateful for the respite from the constant mental anguish and obsessive thoughts. Paul has a sister, Peg, who has had an active eating disorder for three decades. They are not close and do not talk often, and I’ve never met her. Still, this created a hurdle in our relationship. Paul first described her as “looking great” and taking good care of herself, due to her extremely restrictive diet and obsessive exercise regimen (which was super triggering as I was trying to accept that I couldn’t look like that anymore and still be free from the disorder). Peg recently fell and broke a vertebrae while on a run, and continued to run for miles with a broken back, so as not to miss the training/exercise/calorie burn. Paul first said this was “bad-ass.”

But to me, it represents the worst of the illness, ignoring your bodily needs while on an obsessive quest. I try my best not to vilify Peg and I feel a great deal of empathy for her, but I have needed to vilify the illness to reinforce that it’s not a viable life path for me. Despite so much progress, somehow, the wedding triggers an urge to transform my body all over again. I’m a healthy weight, normal BMI mom who is grateful for health and freedom. But Peg represents a tangible example that one can control their body, which is hard for me to face. How do I find peace without hurting Paul, vilifying Peg, or losing hard won progress and mental health?’

—Thought I Was Past This

banana468

You need to talk to Paul to explain your experience and how the comments that he's making are not intended to hurt but the result is that you're internalizing a lot of the wounds of this disorder that are always a struggle. IMO, talking to a partner about these things is a cornerstone of a successful relationship and you should be able to be open. 

levioosa

Tbh I have feelings about Paul. Finishing a run with a fractured vertebrae is horrifying, not “bad ass.” I wonder about what other more subtle ways he reinforces LW’s insecurities. LW could be me and SIL A. I’m much thinner than I was thanks to medication as well as a lot of hard work, but I’ll never be what I was in the past and it’s still hard for me to hold from certain destructive patterns. Meanwhile SIL A ignores all of the warning signs from her body and will exercise for 3-4 hours even when she’s really sick. I’m really worried one day she’ll have a bad injury or something will happen because of her body dysmorphia. Her H only reinforces it too and it makes her feel extra pressured to be “hot.” Hugs to LW as she navigates a triggering time. 

banana468

levioosa said:

Tbh I have feelings about Paul. Finishing a run with a fractured vertebrae is horrifying, not “bad ass.” I wonder about what other more subtle ways he reinforces LW’s insecurities. LW could be me and SIL A. I’m much thinner than I was thanks to medication as well as a lot of hard work, but I’ll never be what I was in the past and it’s still hard for me to hold from certain destructive patterns. Meanwhile SIL A ignores all of the warning signs from her body and will exercise for 3-4 hours even when she’s really sick. I’m really worried one day she’ll have a bad injury or something will happen because of her body dysmorphia. Her H only reinforces it too and it makes her feel extra pressured to be “hot.” Hugs to LW as she navigates a triggering time. 

And...we are in a culture where we praise people who don't attend to their physical or mental health.  If you don't get sick then great that you don't take sick days.  But you should be criticized and not praised for ignoring your body because you think it helps you get to an outside self-created goal.