Dear Prudence,
Our nephew Josh died suddenly almost a decade ago when he was a teenager. It was a nightmarish time for everyone in the family, but we rallied around his parents (my husband’s sister Anna and her husband Andrew). The first Christmas after his passing, my husband’s other sister Sandy had the idea to give “Josh” a present, a book that had recently come out on a subject he’d been passionate about. Anna and Andrew accepted the gift graciously and I assumed it would be a one-time thing, or we would pivot to making a charitable donation in his name around the holidays or something to that effect. However, in subsequent years the expectation for Josh’s gifts have only gotten more demanding—Sandy told us that we should ALL be getting him something for Christmas, and when I offered that perhaps my family would make a donation to a cause he supported, I was told this was not good enough and that we were all expected to give physical gifts. Honestly, I was even OK with that, thinking we could give Anna and Andrew items that commemorated Josh’s life, like a locket with his photo inside, but was told that these gifts had to be items “for” Josh, as if he were still with us.
I wouldn’t even care if we “gave Josh” a speaker that his parents used or whatever, but these items go into his bedroom and are never touched or used. One year we were given a custom hockey jersey with his name on it and Andrew mused that maybe they’d frame it, but I was at their house a year or two later and saw it thrown among the mountain of stuff they keep in his room. It’s not just Sandy’s idea to do this either; Anna and Andrew are pretty adamant that this gift-giving needs to be part of the holidays specifically as if Josh were still with us. Last year, my 9-year-old daughter gave everyone (two sets of aunts and uncles, one set of grandparents, as well as her brother and us) hand-painted ceramic figures she made in art class. She worked hard on these pieces and thoughtfully chose items that each relative would like. Anna asked her where Josh’s was, and when my daughter pointed out that she’d painted a symbol on Anna’s butterfly figurine that represented Josh, Anna rolled her eyes and said it wasn’t the same. I was exceedingly proud of my daughter for how much work and consideration she’d put into these gifts, and she was left feeling that her efforts weren’t enough.
I sympathize with Anna and Andrew, as the idea of losing a child is literally what keeps me up on my worst nights. I cannot imagine their grief and I understand that healing is not linear and that often unconventional rituals can bring some level of peace even if it doesn’t make sense to outsiders. But I am really starting to hit my limit with being told I have to get a gift for my deceased nephew every year, gifts that just sit in his room and do not honor his memory or help anyone in a tangible way. I want to figure out a better way to handle this well ahead of the holiday season this year. Any ideas? How unreasonable am I being? My husband also thinks it’s not a great use of money but is pretty content to just do as he’s told.
—Grief-Filled Gifts