Wedding Woes

Take a break from Laura and reevaluate later.

Dear Prudence,

My best friend “Laura” is currently deployed abroad but we are very close and talk constantly. When I visited her, she introduced me (36-year-old gay man) to her junior colleague, “Ken” (30-year-old gay man). Ken and I hit it off, talked every day for six months, and made plans to go out when he came to my city. Laura heard this from both of us and constantly encouraged it. Ken visited, we went out with his friends, and…it didn’t go well. Ken chatted up a stranger on the street, got his number, and invited him to join the group later that night. I left when the guy showed up and afterward, I told Ken how disrespected I felt. He refused to take any responsibility, said he could get attention from interested guys, and ignored me for a week because I was “mad at him.” I was hurt and felt like I’d wasted time and emotional energy.

My problem is with Laura. When I told her what happened, she brushed off my being hurt, said Ken had a history of being “self-centered,” and kept talking about changing how I approached dating and self-esteem. I was floored. She encouraged me to talk to Ken because it was a “miscommunication.” She claimed she is “neutral,” but every interaction is fraught—I think the “right guy” at the “wrong time” is the wrong guy for me, I think she should’ve warned me about Ken being “self-centered,” and I don’t think I need to examine myself because Ken was childish! I told her I couldn’t discuss him anymore and tried to enforce that boundary. But I feel like a trust has been broken. I’m concerned about how to talk with her while she’s abroad. What do I say? Do I write an email because phone calls haven’t worked? Can this friendship be saved? Help!

—Far From Friend and Far From Over It

Re: Take a break from Laura and reevaluate later.

  • Options
    Ken was either a player or thought you were only friends. Either way, I think you're holding Laura way too responsible for Ken's actions. 
  • Options
    She’s not responsible for how he acted, even if he’s known for acting like a jerk. You’re the one continuing to make it awakened after one bad date. Let it go if you want to be friends with her again. And stop talking about Ken. 
  • Options
    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I don't think OP has really identified their hurt here.  I think they're hurt that whatever usually happens when OP breaks up with someone, didn't happen here.  He wants Laura on his side.  I get that.

    It is immature though.  And if this really is his BFF, she might be trying to have an adult conversation with him, that isn't actually about Ken, but Ken was the last example.  My BFF and I can have hard conversations with each other when it's necessary and it's because it comes from a place of love and concern.

    So yeah, OP, maybe you do need to examine yourself.
  • Options
    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited July 3
    Wait, y'all talked every day for 6 months?  You probably talked to him in that time more than you did Laura.  What did you talk about?  Did you discuss being more than friends?  How is this Laura's fault that she didn't 'warn' you about him being self-centered at times?  

    Also, your meet-up with Ken wasn't a date.  You were out in a group with his friends.  You probably made an ass of yourself when you couldn't handle a phone number exchange. 

    LW, it sounds like you and Ken had different ideas of where your friendship/relationship stood.  That is NOT Laura's fault.  

    Laura's trying to be a good friend to you, but also knows Ken likely just as well as she knows you.  She's trying to balance both perspectives on the situation. 

    Again, stop talking to Laura about this, or maybe in general for a little bit, since you're unable to handle it emotionally.  Another friend may give you the validation you're looking for.  Or try a therapist. 

  • Options
    Laura is not responsible for Ken's behavior, so I don't think it's fair to be mad at her because he turned out to be a jerk. That said, it sounds like either she's not willing to let it go that things didn't work out with you and Ken, or you aren't ready or willing to hear some constructive feedback from a close friend who wants to help you be happier. Whichever it is, I think it might be best that you and Laura both take a step back from the friendship and cool off from whatever discomfort this situation with Ken has caused. 
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