I think this is your problem and not his, so don't bring it to his door.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I (F37) have been dating a man (M40) for about a year. For the first time ever, I can say I’m truly in love with somebody who is truly in love with me. He is everything I have dreamed of in a relationship and never thought I’d find. But there is one thing I cannot accept: He is best friends with his ex-wife.

They have known each other for over 20 years. They don’t have kids together, but share a business. He’s also best friends with her husband. If they only saw each other in the context of the business, I wouldn’t feel so jealous, but knowing that they spend so much time socially after having been married for a decade (they’ve been divorced for almost as long) makes me absolutely insane with jealousy.

What makes it worse is that she and her husband are incredibly nice and welcoming to me! She has continually reached out to me to form a friendship. She is beautiful and funny and talented and very easy to spend time with, but the entire time we’re together, I can’t stop fixating on the fact that this woman spent 10 years having sex with the love of my life. Actually, the fact that she’s so kind to me and interested in getting to know me makes me feel even more jealous.

The whole thing feels so weird. This level of closeness can’t be normal. I know they aren’t cheating. Their vibe is entirely platonic. If I did have those suspicions, it would be easier, because I could just demand that they stop seeing each other. But I can’t do that. I have confided in friends, but most of them at this point tell me that a man being not just amicable with but close to an ex is a green flag about how he is relaxed and comfortable, and not a jealous person. But no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get over my choking envy and discomfort.

Have we been together long enough that I could ask for him to reduce their interactions to just the business? We’ve started talking about marriage. If he asked me to get married now, I’d have to tell him that I can’t do it as long as his ex-wife is socially in his life. How do I say that without making him feel like I’m giving him an ultimatum?

—Not Into Triangles

banana468

How do you give an ultimatum without giving one??  You don't.

You need to talk to him about your insecurities.  

short+sassy

This isn't an issue and the LW needs to work on herself.  Maybe some therapy sessions would help her reframe these relationships, in her mind.

But it's never okay to ask your partner to give up their best friends, when the only reason is a person's unfounded jealousy.

The LW might think it isn't normal, but it's probably a lot more common than they think.  Heck, I know a couple like this.  The wife and her ex have kids together, not a business.  But they are close and socialize all the time.  I've met him a number of times at her house.  Her H and the ex are good friends also.

I asked her once what had gone wrong in their marriage, because they obviously enjoy spending time together and care a lot about the other person (it is a platonic vibe).  She laughed and said they are MUCH better as friends than they ever were as a couple.  That as a couple, they just weren't right for each other and argued a lot. 

mrsconn23

This LW is ridic, IMO.  More of my friends have had contentious divorces than not and it's sometimes downright unbearable to deal with their ex.  This situation is a dream compared to the alternative. 

You have nothing but nice things to say about the ex and her H, they want to get to know you, you self admit there seems to be nothing but a good friendship between them, and he wants to marry you, LW.  Why are you spiraling over their past when they seem to have left whatever happened there behind?  Also, you're 37...the chances you meet someone who doesn't have a past are nil and it's very possible a future partner will have an ex in their orbit too.  

You're making this a roadblock for reasons you don't even understand it seems.  I think you can tell him you have feelings of insecurity, but make it clear they're yours to deal with and do not even hint around him having to abandon their relationship.  If you really can't handle it, then break up and be clear it's not him, it's you.  

MyNameIsNot

Maybe counselling, but I'd say let him go. He deserves to find someone who isn't irrationally jealous.