Why can't you tell her you don't feel supported?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I need some help shaking myself free of some of my self-pity and probable pettiness before I lose my closest friend. My best friend and I of 20 years live about four hours apart and have this wonderful, respectful and cherished relationship. I think we’ve always both been careful to nurture and tend to.

About a month ago, I was telling her how depressed I was about having to cancel a long-planned trip because of a breakup. She was supportive and urged me to take advantage of the long weekend I’d at least get to enjoy during that time by planning fun things like a long bike ride I never normally get time for. Fast forward to the Saturday of the long weekend, when I’m texting her from the ER about to go into emergency surgery after being hit by a car on my bike. She says she loves me and she’ll check in … and then it doesn’t. I was in recovery for five days and as I’m scrolling through social media, I see she’s posted about her amazing long weekend glamping with mutual friends. Lots of photos of a girls trip full of hikes and restaurants and good cheer.

She finally checked in with me the day I happened to be going home, and I sent a cursory text about my prognosis and she seemed shocked it was “that severe.” (Which, had she checked in after my emergency surgery…) Anyway, she has called since then, but I just texted her later saying I wasn’t in a space to talk, to which she sent a bunch of “thinking of you” replies. No other offers of support.

I would be hurt under normal circumstances to not have been invited on that trip with our friends, but now it’s compounded by my irrational fury that had I been, I wouldn’t have had this accident and that the trip apparently kept her too preoccupied to spare a thought for me. I’m afraid if I answer her calls, I will spew the immature and illogical shit building up inside me (she’s allowed to do things without me even if she knew I was sad and at loose ends that weekend). I need to get some perspective before I really muck up our relationship. We are incredibly close, but I think we’ve also remained that way by being very kind and respectful of boundaries. Voicing my feelings on this feels like it might ruin a lot. On the other hand, despite no other evidence or prior intuition, I feel like I’ve just been knocked down the ladder of importance in her life and I’m reeling.

—I’m Hurting Everywhere

VarunaTT

LW you're projecting your hurt onto your BFF.  If anything, I'd tell my BFF, "guess what my messed up brain is doing?" and we'd laugh about it and he'd understand.  But really examine where the anger is coming from.  Anger is a secondary emotion, so get to the root,

ei34

The glamping trip was probably booked back when LW had their own trip planned with the ex, maybe it was for a certain number of people…friend didn’t try to hide it if she was posting on social media.

I do credit LW on being introspective and self aware enough to recognize that unleashing while so angry could have a negative impact on the friendship.  Is there someone you’re close with who doesn’t know BFF (or do you have a therapist) you can vent to? 

But, to echo the title advice- once calm, let your friend know you didn’t feel supported. (If you live four hours apart, is BFF the first call you’d make under normal circumstances for her to come rushing to your side?)

edit spelling