Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are at an impasse over his weed smoking. A little backstory: We are in our 60s (me early, him late), retired, and married for 15 years. When we began dating, he was upfront about his previous drug use—mostly weed from his mid-teens to his 40s. He told me then that his life was so much better without weed and he would never go back to smoking.
When marijuana became legal in our state, he mentioned he’d like to get some “for old times’ sake” and assured me it would be just an occasional thing. At first, it was but within a few weeks, it became an everyday thing. Then in a few weeks more, it was an all-day, everyday thing. When I pointed this out, he said it was just the novelty of being back to living high and he would cut back soon, but soon has never come.
On several occasions over the last few years, I’ve tried to explain the impact his smoking has on our lives. I’ve waited until he wasn’t high and explained how his smoking negatively impacted our relationship (the smell makes me nauseous so I don’t want to be close to him, it’s hard to have meaningful conversations with him because he tends to monologue, and even if I do manage to get a word in, he doesn’t remember what I say), and also have pointed out the impact in the moment (“No, I don’t want to you to kiss me because your breath is dank, I’ve told you this before, but you talked over me and don’t remember what I said”), but all I get are more promises that he’s going to quit or slow down, which of course, he doesn’t.
For the past few years, I’ve resigned myself to this friendly, somewhat distant relationship where he’s high most of the time and I don’t expect too much of him. Three weeks ago, he told me he was going to quit (again) because he wanted to take a more active, responsible role at the nonprofit where he volunteers, and he didn’t think they’d take him seriously or trust him if they knew he smoked. I was a bit irritated because he was more motivated to quit for relative strangers who might judge him for his marijuana use than because of the impact it was having on our marriage.
—Weed Wars