Dear Prudence,
Do I owe it to my friend to tell her I can’t seem to forgive her? I became friends with Lea several years ago. We’re both ambitious, educated, justice-oriented queer women of color, and we supported each other through personal and professional challenges. I’m not out to my family, and I considered her chosen family. I met Jack not long after, and Lea was there through the ups and downs.
I often confided in her about my anxieties and frustrations with the relationship. Despite our rocky start, Jack and I grew stronger. We moved in together, and a year and a half later, he proposed and I said yes.
When I shared the news, Lea expressed concern, calling Jack abusive. I was furious. I wrote down my feelings and read them to her, but she mocked me for being too formal. She later briefly apologized. I miss Lea, but I can’t seem to forgive her. It’s hard to enjoy my engagement without her, and it feels like losing a part of myself since I’m not out to my family. I wish I could tell her to fully apologize and support my relationship, but that feels wrong. Is it selfish to want her to fake it so we can be friends again? I shouldn’t try to control her into being the friend I want, right? Prudie, I’m stuck. How can I tell her what I need or make peace with ending this friendship?
—Fractured Friendship