Dear Prudence,
I’m nearly 65 and recently, my mother passed away. I won’t say I lost her because she was not ever really a supportive presence—she had a personality disorder, an eating disorder, and addictions. There is a lot to unpack: how I had to be a caretaker for her and my siblings; how she made me feel my weight and appearance were most of my worth; how she always had to have the attention so I would do anything in my relationships to feel loved; the fear I feel when someone is angry with me or disapproves of me.
After she died, I went to a therapist for the first time but canceled after two visits and haven’t been back. I find I just don’t know what to say—I have too much shame about how I have been in the past. I know it’s because of the damage that was done to me, but I can’t talk about it. I find the therapy weird, like I’m supposed to lead it and know what to talk about and I don’t. It all just feels like too much to explain to a stranger. How can I become a better and more whole person when the first step is beyond me?
—Too Soon Old, Too Late Wise