Start staying at a hotel and taking the kids out of the house to do things.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Me and my wife visit grandkids once a year because they live so far away. My daughter-in-law expects us to do chores around the house. We don’t mind helping out. But she expects laundry, changing bed sheets on all five beds. We clean the kitchen in the morning and at dinner time, which we don’t mind. Is this normal? Should we do the chores that they want us to do? We typically will play with the kids all day long, which we enjoy.

—Can’t Take the Heat

ILoveBeachMusic

I always help with cleaning up after meals when I visit my daughter. When the grandkids were babies, I would cook sometimes. Even now, if DD is working when we arrive we will start dinner. I usually strip the bed when we leave. Depending on how long you stay, I see no problem doing the sheets that you sleep on or the towels that you use. However, doing other sheets and laundry is asking a lot. Being told to do other household chores is too much in general.

ei34

I wouldn’t feel comfortable having house guests do things like change sheets. I mean if I have a party in my yard I’ll accept my sisters’ help bringing platters inside, that kind of thing. But not laundry.  (That said, when I visit my parents’ house, I help them with whatever it is they need, and I’m happy to.)
Definitely agree with getting a hotel room for these annual visits. 

short+sassy

This is putting a bad taste in my mouth also.  I feel like proper etiquette with family is for guests to take care of additional household work they cause.  It's also nice if they offer to help with other things, but this should be their choice.

But it's crappy for their son and DIL to use these visits as an opportunity to foist some of the normal daily/weekly household chores onto their guests*.

*Exceptions I will make for this are family visiting for a new baby.  Don't just coo at the new baby.  Help those parents out!  And you're a jerk if you don't offer.

mrsconn23

I have three long-term houseguests and I still cringe when they fold my laundry, do the dishes, or like, tidy up my living room, even though we're all using the things/space/etc.  Especially if I'm standing there entirely capable of doing it myself.  I never expect it, but totally appreciate it.  And I would never ask for someone to do more than empty my dishwasher. 

Anyway, DIL can expect all she wants, but LW and their wife aren't obligated.  If LW is that concerned, I think they should approach their son about the 'expectations'.  However if it's that uncomfortable, but they don't want to stop the trips, maybe not staying with Son and DIL is the answer. 

levioosa

Helping to clean up after a meal or pick up toys after they're done playing them with the grandkids? Sure. Changing sheets on all five beds and doing the laundry? Nope. 

banana468

How long are they in the house that the DIL is asking them to do chores??

I mean - is it ALL the laundry including things like the DIL's undies or are they visitors for such a length of time that their help would be preferred because they're there so long the linens need to be cycled? 

I'm picking up on a few things here that are raising my hackles:
-The son is not mentioned.  Is he not in the picture or are all things blamed on the DIL? 
-How long are they visiting?  Is this a case of two retirees who are there for a couple of days or weeks on end?  IMO there's a case to be made when your visit timing is so long that Good Housekeeping thinks your linens need to see some detergent.
-How old are the children?   What does the play involve?  What are the son and DIL doing while they're there? 
-Are you playing with the kids and that's creating more mess or that's alleviating the son and DIL?  Sometimes after play dates my house is destroyed and there are no dinner dishes to speak of. 

As a DIL watching a real life situation of Everybody Loves Raymond, I'm suspicious.