"Yeah, I've been there. I'll drop the kids off at 5 on Friday."

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My ex and I have two high school kids together. I now know he was unfaithful throughout our marriage. He divorced me when he got his now-wife pregnant. They have three kids together. Because she stays at home, most of our scheduling conversations end up going through her. I’ve tried talking to him, I’ve tried written communication but the only thing that seems to stick is a phone call or physical conversation with her. I send a recap to their shared email to cover all my bases. It’s exhausting but the only thing that seems to work. He got another woman pregnant. Maybe they’ll work it out, maybe they won’t.

But every conversation with his wife now starts with complaints and sometimes sobbing about how hard it is. I have zero sympathy for her. She seems to think we can bond about him, mostly because I was always neutral to her. I only did that because I knew that being nasty would just be embarrassing and unhelpful and maybe hurt my kids. I do not like her. I believe she shouldn’t be surprised by him. I’m mostly just grateful my kids are almost grown and we won’t have to split child support a million ways as he continues to be selfish and careless. But her behavior is driving me up the wall and I’m worried I’m going to snap and tell her what I really think. How do I stay cool about this? I should be happy that karma is coming for her but mostly I’m just annoyed that she’s complaining about being on the other side of the coin.

—Annoyed

mrsconn23

Why don't you use texting with this lady?  Does she not have a cellphone?  I'd start telling her, "OH I'll text you about abc" and then text her.  And then text her about the next thing.  Also, if she doesn't respond or read them or is unprepared, it's on her. I can't imagine with LW's kid's ages that there's a ton of unexpected changes to the schedule.

If you have to talk on the phone to her, you can roll your eyes and make all the faces you want.  Let her run herself down and then just be all, "Yeah, been there.  So the kid's schedule..."

If she's standing in front of you, that's trickier.  But you can limit it by making sure you 'gotta go because of xyz' and basically remove the opportunity for her to dump on you.  Also, blank stares can be effective. 

If your kids are in HS, are they driving?  Why can't you be cut out of this anyway and the kids go back and forth on their own?

If you lose your shit on her, no one will blame you.  LOL  How annoying.  

Casadena

I would not be able to resist snarky comments every single time she does this. 

"Yes, I imagine it feels similarly to when he did the same thing with you while we were married." and then move on. That's about as nice as I could possible be in this situation. 

short+sassy

Casadena said:

I would not be able to resist snarky comments every single time she does this. 

"Yes, I imagine it feels similarly to when he did the same thing with you while we were married." and then move on. That's about as nice as I could possible be in this situation. 

OMG, yes!  I don't know why the LW is trying to be nicer than that.

I understand wanting to keep things calm and not starting fights, over the years.  But the LW can still do that while making dry humor comments.

The current wife (CW) will quickly learn to STFU about it, in the LW's presence.

If CW starts crying or launching into a vent session, whether in person or over the phone, the LW needs to cut that off as quickly as possible.  Like, "I'm sorry you're upset...(but in a neutral "I actually don't give a shit" tone")...but I need to get going."  

levioosa

Omg LW is a saint because I am not a nice enough person not to throw it back in her face. "Wow, who would have thought that after he stepped out on me he would do the same thing to you?! Unfathomable!"

banana468

"yes.  It's frustrating to go through the mess of an unfaithful spouse.  Drop off at Burger King for the fries with that??" 

No? 

If the LW truly wants to not be spiteful she can still likely say, "I understand that this is hard for you.  Please know that this was a difficult thing for me to process when our divorce proceedings started as well."  It isn't spiteful to say that the STBX is barking up the wrong tree looking for sympathy when she's asking for it for a woman she knowingly literally screwed over. 

MyNameIsNot

"I don't know why you would think I'm the right person to vent to about this." is about as nice as I could be, but I'd be much more likely to laugh in her face with a comment about karma being a bitch. 

People never cease to amaze me. One of my friends is going through a divorce now where her husband has been cheating. She found out about the girlfriend when GF called my friend to tell her about GF2, and expecting support that he was cheating on the both of them. My friend is not as patient as this LW.