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You can just distance yourself without an announcement or accusations.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence, 

My mother and I have had a complicated relationship since I turned 14, her treatment of myself and others is erratic and unkind. Among her kicking me out at age 15, calling me abhorrent names, blackmailing me, and harassing those closest to me, I am at my wits end. I am now 22 and I have learnt that I cannot trust her. I discovered that she was cheating on her husband last October and sat on the knowledge. Her erratic behavior flared up again and she called me horrible names, implying those closest to me thought I was an awful person—I cut her off. She showed up at my door last week demanding we sort things out and claiming she’d acted that way due to her depression/BPD. This is a regular occurrence and never accompanies a genuine apology. I don’t want to sort things out and I am angry, it is a cycle I no longer want to be trapped in. I want to email her and tell her I know about her affair and ask her to no longer contact me. Is this too much?

—Drowning In Dysfunction

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Re: You can just distance yourself without an announcement or accusations.

  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If it truly helps you with closure and being firm in your boundary, you can, but don't expect it to go anywhere pleasant and it may fuel the fire and make her lash out. And therapy, LW.


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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    no, No, NO.  LW, look up how to deal with a BPD break up.  DO NOT contact her.  This is a known pattern of putting on a pedestal --> knocking off pedestal, restart (very simplified) If you contact her, you'll continue giving her the space to continu this pattern.  

    Hell, it's only just now been a year since K contacted me the last time and we're about to hit 4 years after breakup.  They've even contacted my friends, though that finally seems to be stopping as well.  You cannot allow yourself to be wrapped back up into it.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The LW already decided to go NC and they should stick with that.  If they send their mother a response, even if it is to leave them alone, it shows her that showing up at their door works for at least getting some contact.

    Especially since the LW's message sounds like a threat to expose the mother's affair if she doesn't do what they want.  Be better than that, LW.
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