She's been this way so long, so this is who she is.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My mom was a size two my whole life, but constantly on a diet trying to get down to the size she was when she met my dad. She’s in her early 70s, and a few months of persistent pain turned into a string of medical appointments and a too-late cancer diagnosis. She’s now in hospice. I think my problem is that I need to come to terms with this—it all happened so quickly. But I’m focused on her eating and the way she talks so transparently about it now to not just me but my 11 and 12-year-old daughters.

She’s tiny now from illness, and constantly talks (without irony) about how she’s delighted to finally hit her goal weight. Hospice nurses explicitly tell her she can have anything she wants: dressing on her salad, a beer with breakfast, cigarettes, whatever. But she’s still dieting. She’s dying and can diet if she feels like it but I’m irrationally angry that she won’t even have cream in her coffee (which used to be a birthday treat for her) when it doesn’t matter. Honestly, I’d even be relieved if she took up smoking again, just to have an indulgence. How do I let this go? And how do I talk about it to my kids, who definitely knew she had some weird thoughts about food but are now getting the unfiltered version from my childhood live and in color? I want to make some good memories before her death, and I know I can’t if I keep harping on food. Why is she making herself suffer more than she has to?

—An Ice Cream Cone Is Fine

VarunaTT

This really feels like misplaced anger about this situation.  IDK how to work to let it go at this moment in time, b/c that job takes at least a long time and a lot of self-work, with or without therapy.  Basically, at the end of the day, LW's mom IS taking joy out of the fact that she is whatever this size is and doesn't want to ruin it with food.  LW has to accept that or drive themselves....well, where they are.

I would definitely be talking to my kids though and making sure that 1. my relationship with food was healthy and able to be modeled, and 2. that my kids knew my mom's relationship with food is not healthy and not to be modeled.

This kind of reminds me of my mom.  Right now, she's talking about how she needs to lose 15 pounds.  I asked her if her doctor said that.  She batted the question aside, so I know the answer to that is no.  I was like, get fat, eat the ice cream, no one cares anymore and even if it does raise your cholesterol, you're 87.  You keep talking about how you have to make short term decisions, so stop worrying about THIS.

short+sassy

@VarunaTT, that is a good point that, as twisted as it is, the mom is happier being at her "goal weight" than "risking" that by putting cream in her coffee.  That's what the LW needs to keep in mind, though I know it's hard because of the bad memories it brings up.  The LW needs to stop encouraging her mother to eat more and change the subject if the mom talks about food.

I remember the toxic diet culture of the '80s.  Her mom would have been in her 30s.  The mom's words are so reminiscent of that era.  Women would be proud of themselves for how little food they could eat.  It was all the rage for breakfast to be black coffee...don't you dare even think about cream and sugar...half a grapefruit, and a dry piece of toast.

Omg, I just remembered competitive aerobics!  They would have the national championships on tv.  Classic, lmao.  That was even back when there were only a few channels.

Pre-teens is an especially horrible age for the daughters to be hearing this.  The LW should use her mom as an example of what not to do and the sad traps people can fall into when they get too obsessed with weight or how they look.

They could also talk about the time frame the mother was in her prime, like I did.  Pointing out what a negative time it was and the poor information it had about health and nutrition.

I feel like pre-teens can definitely get behind the notion of "people didn't know what they were talking about 40 years ago", lol,

levioosa

You guys are both dealing with this in your own ways. For you, this seems like you feel there are misplaced priorities and (I sense in the letter) a lot of "what-ifs." From your mom's perspective, this may be her silver lining, and controlling her diet is giving her a sense of control over what otherwise is an unfathomable, unfair, and uncontrollable diagnosis. That doesn't necessarily mean it's the healthiest thing she could be doing, but truly, it doesn't matter at this point. If avoiding creamer is her way of finding a modicum of peace and control, try to let it go. Depriving herself (of calories, if she is doing that)  is probably going to hasten the illness, however I'm sure her doctors and nurses have explained that to her as well. Suffering is defined differently for everyone. Try to find peace and maybe consider some support groups and therapy.