Your FI needs to speak up.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have been engaged for three months, and my fiancé and I are starting to receive gifts from family and friends in anticipation of an engagement party his family is graciously hosting for us. I have known for a while that I would not change my last name. My fiancé knows this, and he respects my decision. I have received multiple Mrs. His Last Name gifts. I have received such gifts from people who I have expressly told I won’t change my last name and from people who have no reason to know that.

I find it annoying that people make this assumption because it is the twenty-first century and more and more women are electing to hyphenate or not change their name at all. When I get these gifts, I try to laugh them off in front of my fiancé. But secretly it upsets me because it feels like pressure to give up who I am and my identity. I am talking with my therapist about my feelings and working to not hold grudges against people who send these to me. Also, I feel bad because people lovingly selected these gifts for me, and I feel guilty about the gifts angering me. I do not want to make people feel bad once they find out I am not changing my name.

Is there a polite way to say no monogrammed last name gifts? Also, I am seeking help on how to tell my fiancé’s family about my decision because I do not know if they will have negative feelings about my choice. We live in a major city in Texas, but I was born and raised in a progressive area in the Pacific Northwest. I love his family, and I want us all to get along and be happy.

—Not My Name

banana468

"Sweetie.  Your family is spending money on items I will not be using and will likely discard.  Also, they're doing this and will need to find out at some time that what they assumed is incorrect.  I need you to speak up here.  Tell them that I'm not changing my last name because what they're doing is disrespectful." 

And if he didn't I'd passive aggressively start calling him a name that isn't his. 

short+sassy

They should each tell their respective families, so people are not wasting good money on monogrammed gifts.

She should hold a grudge against people who know she isn't changing her name and gave her a monogrammed gift with the wrong name/initials anyway.

But she really needs to let it go with people who wouldn't know and I'm glad she is working with her therapist on that.  Yes, in a perfect world people wouldn't make that assumption.  But the majority of women do take their spouse's name (about 80%) and some of these guests might be 1-2 generations older than her, when it was even less common.

downtondiva

I did not change my last name when I got married, and I don't recall how my husband and I avoided monogrammed gifts or if we ever had to say anything about them. I'm not a big fan of mongrammed items anyway, so I'm glad it never became an issue. 

As for LW, I agree they need to politely let their respective families know that this isn't something they want. I wonder when they make a gift registry (if they do) if there's any way to let people know they don't want monogrammed items or to remove the options for doing so, depending on the item.