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mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’m 37, and I’ve always had bad luck with men. I want to marry, have children, but never seem to find Mr. Right. A few months ago, I met Kurt. He’s good looking, successful and sweet. Kurt told me he was separated from his wife, Jennifer. He has a son and is very involved in his life. Jennifer and Kurt remain friendly with each other. I went to a social function, and it turned out that a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time is also friends with Jennifer. My friend was puzzled when I mentioned that Kurt and Jennifer were separated. My friend said Jennifer and Kurt have always kept two homes—partially because Kurt has an easier commute on the days when he works in the city, and partially because they have rented his condo before as an AirBnB—but have been a couple for a long time and are together.

I was shocked. I thought Kurt had a condo because he’s separated. Now I’m afraid he has a secret bachelor’s pad. I did talk to him about it, but he denied it and said he’s separated and visits his wife frequently because of their son. I could see myself getting serious with this guy, and he says he wants a serious relationship too, including kids, which would be amazing. But I want to know if he truly is separated or not. I’ve thought about contacting his wife, but I’m afraid he’ll be angry at me for doing that. Should I phone her? I’m afraid he’ll say I don’t trust him. Should I have my friend find out more info about them?

—Nervous About Mr. Right

MNNEBride

This is why you don't date guys who are separated.  You let them take care of business and then start a relationship when the divorce is final.  

VarunaTT

LW, you have met another terrible man.  Run.

banana468

Your radar sucks LW.   DTMFA. 

levioosa

Kurt the Jerk.

short+sassy

I would have asked him if I could meet her.  He might still be mad the LW doesn't trust him, but then even he should understand why she has good reason not to after what her friend told her.

Totally agree with you, @MNNEBride.  I usually avoided dating men who were separated when I was single.  Though the one time I made an exception, it was a weird turn of events!

We had chatted for a few weeks and then went on a lunch date.  He didn't like that I was casually dating other people...umm, we just met for the first time in person, dude...and I wasn't feeling that drawn to him anyway.  So that was the first and last date.

But we remained chat friends and talked every month or two.  I got laid off, which I told him during one of our convos.  About two months later, he asked if I am still looking for work.  There was an opening at his job that matched up with my skills/experience.  I sent him my resume.  He turned it into his manager.  And I got hired!  One of my favorite jobs I've had, looks great on my resume, and I worked there for three years.

Who did I meet at the first Christmas party?  His wife!  Maybe he was separated when we had our date and then they got back together.  I never asked him because that would be awkward.  Plus, it really didn't matter.  I was just curious, lol.

But however you slice it, I dodged a bullet.  Either he was a cheater.  Or he ended up getting back together with his wife.

ei34

Ugh. Sorry LW. I know firsthand how long the separation to officially divorced process can take. But from what you’ve shared, I’d feel funny about this.  I think I’d breakup, explain my discomfort, and look for different guys. Invite the bf to let you know when the divorce is finalized, not to get together (I personally wouldn’t trust him), just to send the message that women aren’t interested in a lying, allegedly separated guy.