Keep your nose out of their relationship.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’m currently working on a research team with two of my old college friends. “Fred” and “Melody” are currently dating, and they’ve become inseparable. However, Melody has been keeping a major secret from Fred.

She’s been chronically ill for a while, and she recently confided to me that she’s nearing the terminal stages of her disease. The trouble is that Fred has no idea about Melody’s illness, let alone that she’s at such high risk. I don’t want to get in the middle of their relationship, but it also seems wrong for her to hide something so important. Prudie, Fred has started planning his entire life around her. Melody says that she wants the last stretch of their time together to be as happy and carefree as possible, but leaving him in the dark like this feels like such a cruel bait and switch. Do you have any ideas for how I could convince her to tell him?

—Guilty Conscience

MyNameIsNot

Ooof, this is really cruel. I don't think LW can step in and tell Fred, but I do think they should continue encouraging Melody to share with Fred. 

It's hard to know what to expect without knowing the disease, but Fred is going to be blindsided when Melody is suddenly extremely ill or dead, and he's going to feel like Melody betrayed him by keeping it from him. If Melody cares about him, she shouldn't set him up to have to process complicated feelings about this on top of grief. 

charlotte989875

This isn’t your story to tell. What she’s doing feels cruel, but she’s the one dying and people don’t always make the decisions we would want them to in that state. 

Keep encouraging her to share her diagnosis with him but don’t tell him directly. 

Casadena

I'd have such a hard time not telling him, but at the end of the day, it's Melody's choice whether to tell anyone at all. Encourage Melody to tell him, but otherwise stay out of it. 

levioosa

Holy shit, this is horrific of Melody. I get she's probably trying to maintain control of her illness but this is going to destroy someone unexpectedly. I think I'd tell her she absolutely had to tell him, and then if she didn't, I'd pull away and only engage with them if it was purely related to the work they are doing. 

mrsconn23

OK, so my friend A really struggled with dating and being sick.  She was only 28 when she died and she was dx'd when we were 22 (literally weeks before graduating college).  It's a bitch of a time to be sick and also want to live.  I have a distinct memory of a conversation with her about basically how she knew she would be missing the rest of her life and how hard it was to see me and other friends get married, build families, and all she wanted was for a guy to understand and not ghost her the minute they found out she was so sick.  I have a ton of grace for Melody.  

So, LW...be a friend.  Let Melody be happy and carefree.  She knows how much she is going to miss out on because of her life being cut short.  If she talks about Fred, just reiterate to her how much he cares about her and likes her and that he will be devastated no matter when he finds out, but letting him know sooner could open up possibilities for them to be make memories, be together, and find the happy and carefree moments they didn't know they could have despite being aware of the clock. 

But for god's sake, it's not your news to share.