You want a different relationship with her than she wants with you.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am struggling with my relationship with my sister. She’s 60, I’m 66—you’d think we would have figured it out by now but no. She lives on the opposite coast, where we grew up, but frequently visits within a couple of hours of me. But she doesn’t visit me. I’ll see on social media that she was nearby but I rarely get a call to come meet her for coffee or a meal. Any time I do get that call I immediately accept and make the effort to go see her. I’ve also always traveled to see her—sometimes I stay with her and sometimes I get a rental.

Numerous times in the past 35 years we’ve made plans to travel together and whenever the time to commit arrived, she backed out. I no longer offer any plan like that—either I go to her town or I meet her when and if she gives me an opening to do so. I know that part of the problem is that I find her husband difficult. I’m liberal and involved with local politics, he’s a conservative with libertarian leanings. But we rub along pretty well. She’s extremely conflict-averse, whereas her husband and I enjoy getting into the weeds occasionally. I try not to be drawn into an argument because I know it’s hard for her to hear. And If my husband is present, he’s wonderful at keeping things from ever going to a place of heated discussion.

I haven’t seen her in person since 2019. In the past couple of years, she and her husband have built a vacation house on my side of the country. It’s not close (about five hours from me) but it’s closer than she is when we’re both at home. Last week, she said that she and her husband were going to be at the vacation house and that they were going to drive there. The logical route brings her within an hour or so of my house. I immediately said, “Oh, please come spend the night with us!” “Oh no,” she said, “We can’t do that, but maybe we could meet for lunch on our way.” I’m really sad about this. We’ve recently done a ton of work to our house and I’d like to show her and I’d just like a longer visit with her. Do I tell her how sad I am or continue to accept whatever space and time she’s able to give?

—Lonely Sister

MyNameIsNot

She's just not that into you. 

But also, have you tried getting lunch without husbands? It seems like that's part of the problem. Her husband may or may not enjoy bantering with you, but she sure doesn't enjoy watching you two debate. 

levioosa

I'm not conflict avoidant but I would absolutely hate going to lunch or dinner only to watch you and the husband fight over politics. And it's probably not as much "friendly banter" as you think it is. It doesn't sound like you want the same type of relationship. But I also agree with Mynameisnot. Have you tried just going out with the two of you for lunch? 

mrsconn23

This makes me think of a milder version of my older sister and my H.  They have a weird competition going because they're both oldest children and they both see me as the middle child, too easy going/influenced/empathetic to the other.  Make no mistake, I line up with my H every time, but I also put both of them in their place if they step out of line on the other one.  But they still pick at each other from time to time, passive-aggressively. 

However, if they were to border on the territory of making *me* uncomfortable every time we were together because they would debate/argue/bait one other, then yeah...I'd have a hard time with that.  I want to enjoy my time with my people, not feel like I'm the unwilling referee.  

LW, if you want to see your sister...take her up on the offer to have lunch when she comes through town.  But realize, this may be what it is.  If her H is there, why not talk about the weather instead of politics?  Maybe that will help crack open a future of other visits. 

short+sassy

I'm also wondering some of this is an issue with the BIL.  But it also sounds like the sister doesn't want to have a close relationship and there probably isn't much the LW can do about that.

This letter is sadly reminding me too much of my mom.  As my mom has gotten older, she has developed extreme sensitivities to all kinds of things.  Because of this, she can't travel by air anymore or stay at hotels.  It's hard for her to travel, I totally understand that.

But she and her husband have an RV.  They travel ALL OVER the country visiting relatives and going on vacations.  All the way from CA to the Atlantic Ocean.  His sister lives in Houston and they go there every year or two.  I've repeatedly offered to meet them the next time they go to Houston.  Then hear about another Houston trip after it is over.

Sometimes they continue their trip to FL to visit his nieces.  I've offered to meet them in the closer FL city to me.  Plus, I'm friends with that niece.  She's visited me many times.  That's when I'll get a call with usually less than a week's notice, to see if I want to meet them for lunch or dinner in Baton Rouge.  Because BR is on their route and NOLA isn't.  My mom always apologizes and explains it's too difficult to bring the RV into NOLA with all it's traffic and nowhere to park.  It's not.  We even have RV parks.  Not to mention NOLA traffic is a drop in the bucket compared to Houston.  Whatever.

Even the LW talking about all the renovations they've made on their house.  I sure would have loved for my mom to come see my first home.  Buying it was one of the happiest, proudest moments of my life.  But apparently that was too big an ask, even though I've lived here for 13 years.

charlotte989875

Either get okay with what she’s offering, or tell her you’re not okay with that and insist on what you want- risking she might end the relationship entirely. You can’t force her to want what you want.