Dear Prudence,
This is about a relationship that has since ended, so it’s more of a “what should I have done?” question. I’m a gay, polyamorous man (he/him) in my 20s who recently ended things with my on-and-off boyfriend of two years. During this relationship, my ex, Mike, and I, saw a number of different people separately from one another.
About a year into this relationship, I mentioned to Mike that I occasionally would smoke a cigarette or two while out with friends or while hanging out with other partners/the occasional hookup. He told me that he couldn’t agree to be with a partner who smoked due to traumatic associations, and I told him that I would try not to do it again while we were together, but that I didn’t like the idea of him telling me what I’m able to do, with respect to things that I didn’t believe were relevant to our relationship. To my mind, what substances I used when not in his presence had nothing to do with him.
Nonetheless, I honored his request for a month or two, until I found out that two of his other partners (long-term friends with benefits of his) were regular smokers. I was furious, and told him so, and he didn’t have what I considered to be a good explanation for it, but told me he still didn’t want me smoking. I said “OK” noncommittally. But from then on, if I had the opportunity to smoke, and wanted to, I did. If he asked me about it, which he did from time to time, I would lie to him. I know that lying is wrong, and that we probably should have broken up then, as it was clear we were incompatible. But I loved him, and I had mixed feelings about the situation overall. What do you think I should have done? In your experience, do you judge it fair for a partner to make decisions about what another partner is allowed to do, particularly in the domain of what drugs they’re allowed to use?
—Frustrated in Fresno