Dear Prudence,
My friend (“Marci”) of many years is more like a sister. When she got pregnant, I was very excited. I have no desire for my own kids, but I love them. I was open about this, so I was really surprised when Marci accused me of hating children, judging people who have them, and indicated that she was terrified that I’d abandon her when she gave birth. I was blindsided because she was so angry and hurt, and I apologized for anything I said that gave her that impression—but insisted that I do not feel that way at all. It opened up a conversation about her anxieties about her childless friends leaving her behind. I expressed my own anxieties, but I assured her that would not happen with us. But the problem is … it has. I love helping with the baby, and we’ve still maintained our in-person social visit schedule we had before. I made sure I changed nothing about my behavior to her—but it’s not enough.
She now asks me to blow off work/appointments to come over typically twice a week, and gets upset when I can’t. She gets cranky when she hears I’ve seen my childless friends, especially because she views it that I’m choosing to spend my precious non-working time with people other than her (it doesn’t matter that I’m seeing them in the evening hours when she’s unavailable). I also can’t express anything positive without her getting jealous. I found a new jacket I loved? Well, she hasn’t lost the baby weight and can’t find clothes. I’m going on a trip? Well, she can’t take trips like that for years and years. I don’t brag! Mere mentions are all it takes.
From my perspective, I’ve upheld my end of the bargain: I have changed nothing about how I interact with her, and I’ve made room in my schedule to help care for her baby—but I guess her expectation was that I’d radically change my life along with her, but there’s a reason I’m choosing not to have children. Naturally, I’ve now been spending more time with people with whom I can be myself with, who respect my time, who are happy to hear about good things I’m experiencing even when they’re not. This has renewed the comments about abandonment, and subtle accusations have entered the mix. She’ll accuse me of not understanding responsibility because I don’t have kids, which is extremely unfair given certain caregiving responsibilities in my life. (And, I’d be lying if I said that her first accusation doesn’t still haunt me.)
I don’t really know what to do! I feel awful that she’s struggling to adjust. I have no idea how to talk to her about this, though. Until now, we’ve never had cause to have a Serious Talk, and it feels awkward after YEARS to have one now. But, frankly, I’m over this. I feel tired and disrespected, and I’ve started to become avoidant as a result. I don’t want to prove her fears right by pulling away, but I don’t know how, especially as a dreaded childless person, to even address this without her getting defensive.
—Childless in Connecticut