Dear Prudence,
I’m having trouble communicating with my mom and I’m not sure what to do. I had to move in with her after I lost my job due to a debilitating chronic illness. One of my doctors thinks that I don’t have all of my diagnoses yet, but is at a loss for how to find the others. The ones I do have diagnoses for are not generally recognized as debilitating by the government so I’ve been denied Social Security. I’m finding ways to get by, but I will never be able to support myself on this income if I have to move out. My mom, however, does not take my symptoms seriously.
My mom is a clean freak and I used to be too, but I just don’t have the energy anymore to clean. My mom always makes comments about it. She makes comments about almost everything I do in the public areas of the house. Mostly they are just really annoying but sometimes they are borderline ableist. Either way, my mom is just always noting how I’m either doing things or not doing things in a way that she approves. She was never like this when I was younger! The big problem is, though, that she gets really defensive when I tell her how I feel about her behavior. This is definitely a family trait, on both my parents’ sides. I know because I have it too. It’s like a need to be right. If any of us bring up something unexpected, anything ranging from wanting to reorganize a kitchen cabinet to trying to set a boundary about talking about my chronic illness, the other person will either get dismissive or defensive, which usually leads to an argument.
I really need my mom to hear me about boundaries related to my chronic illness. Sometimes we will absolutely accept what the other person says but it will take days. Since I’ve gotten sick, I find it much harder to regulate my stress levels and the fights we have are just escalating to a point where I can’t even think straight, let alone make a decent argument about why I should be treated with a decent amount of respect. Even if I could find myself another cheap place to live (which is unlikely), I literally have no money for another move right now. I need your help figuring out how to talk to someone who is just too stubborn to have a basic conversation with. What can I do?
—Chronic Miscommunication