Dear Prudence,
My marriage ended in divorce five years ago because I cheated on my wife. I’m not going to make excuses—it was a shitty thing to do to a person, and I should have handled the issues in my marriage better than with an affair. However, do I have to carry this around like a scarlet A for the rest of my life? I have been up front with the women I’ve dated that my marriage ended because I cheated; however, then it seems like they are immediately suspicious and dissecting every interaction I have with another woman, and every friendship I have with the opposite sex. They want to have access to my phone, which isn’t possible because it is a work phone and they can’t read texts between me and my clients or me and my coworkers, since that’s all confidential. This just makes them more suspicious.
I can’t decide if I am just dating women who have trust issues or if everyone is applying the “once a cheater, always a cheater” saying to their relationship with me. I’d really like to find love again. I am a person who made a mistake once, that I won’t make again, but I feel like I have been branded as this person who just won’t change and will eventually cheat. How do I move forward in relationships with this hanging over my head? I try to be as transparent as possible to the women I date so they don’t have reason to be suspicious, but it seems just knowing that I have a past where I cheated is enough to negate all of that.
—Once a Cheater, Not Always a Cheater