Groom and I have TOTALLY different views on when parents should be included or not.

jessandpete2024

Hey Knot Community!

I'll keep this as short and non-convoluted as possible.

When my fiancé and I first got together, his parents made my life hell. They even told me after a year of me dating my future husband that I 'ruined their family' because he was spending time away from them. By the way, we're talking about a family that is absolutely crazy- they spend every waking moment together. Their adult children (except my fiancé) live at home because they don't want to leave mommy and daddy until they are married (literally said so). Parents pay for everything. His sister works with his mom. These 'kids" are in their mid twenties. So, it's more of a cult than a family. I digress.

Things have gotten better between myself and his family since the proposal last April, but more specifically, in the past five to six months.

I had always told my fiancé that I would absolutely love a joint bachelor/bachelorette party (meaning, the girls go to a spa, the guys go golfing, and we all meet for dinner after.)

He wants his dad as a part of his bachelor party. Which I think is very odd. He would be the only parent there, with all the 'younger' folks at dinner...and he sees no issue with this. "My dad loves drinking with my buddies" he said. So, now, we're having completely separate 'parties' because my fiancé (very manipulative) said "well, I'll just have to tell my dad that he can't come to dinner. That will be really tough."

Obviously I don't want to be the reason for that. So, we split it.

Yesterday, he just told me he wanted his dad standing up next to him at the ceremony. (Wedding is Nov 20th, and, his other groomsman was too late on ordering his suit.)

Again, not only do I think this is completely alien to me, but, we definitely don't see eye-to-eye. I don't want to look at his dad's face when I'm walking down the aisle both because of history and, it's just so odd to have one parent standing up while all others are sitting.

Honestly, I am having such a guttural reaction to this (that I know will pass) that I have no desire to get married to him. It absolutely feels like he's putting his dad's wants and needs before mine.

All thoughts are welcome. Thank you so much for your help.

banana468

I think you need to pick and choose your battles and if your FI goes with what you want he's trading one controlling group for another controlling person.

Pre-wedding parties don't need to be joint.  Your FI wants his dad there so he goes there.  He's not mandating that his mom or sister go to your bachelorette right?  He's saying that an important person to him is asked to be there.

I've been to weddings where the FOG stood up on the groom's side and also where the FOG was a best man.  This is not uncommon and I think you are out of line to attempt to dictate who can be in his WP just as he'd be out of line to dictate who can be in yours.

Pick your battles here.  Address real issues related to how you live your lives as a couple, money management, home purchases, etc.  If you nitpick at the details of him involving his loved ones you're only going to be attempting to turn your marriage into a competition. 

short+sassy

I realize his parents are not your favorite people and it sounds like that is for good reason.  But at the same time, it isn't your place to tell your fiance who is in his wedding party and who is invited to his bachelor party.  That's about the only wedding related thing that each person gets to choose 100% for themselves.

He's not putting his dad's wants and needs before yours.  He wants his dad in his wedding party and at his bachelor party and isn't letting you control that.  He shouldn't.  It wasn't right for you to ask him to exclude his dad in the first place.

I've been to bachelorette parties that had the bride's mom and sometimes FMIL there, at least for the dinner portion.  I was at a joint party that had both sets of parents and grandparents for the dinner portion.  I never thought any of that was odd.

A parent as a groomsman or bridesmaid is more unusual.  But also not something I would find surprising or bat an eye at.

levioosa

jessandpete2024 said:

Hey Knot Community!

I'll keep this as short and non-convoluted as possible.

When my fiancé and I first got together, his parents made my life hell. They even told me after a year of me dating my future husband that I 'ruined their family' because he was spending time away from them. By the way, we're talking about a family that is absolutely crazy- they spend every waking moment together. Their adult children (except my fiancé) live at home because they don't want to leave mommy and daddy until they are married (literally said so). Parents pay for everything. His sister works with his mom. These 'kids" are in their mid twenties. So, it's more of a cult than a family. I digress.

Things have gotten better between myself and his family since the proposal last April, but more specifically, in the past five to six months.

I had always told my fiancé that I would absolutely love a joint bachelor/bachelorette party (meaning, the girls go to a spa, the guys go golfing, and we all meet for dinner after.)

He wants his dad as a part of his bachelor party. Which I think is very odd. He would be the only parent there, with all the 'younger' folks at dinner...and he sees no issue with this. "My dad loves drinking with my buddies" he said. So, now, we're having completely separate 'parties' because my fiancé (very manipulative) said "well, I'll just have to tell my dad that he can't come to dinner. That will be really tough."

Obviously I don't want to be the reason for that. So, we split it.

Yesterday, he just told me he wanted his dad standing up next to him at the ceremony. (Wedding is Nov 20th, and, his other groomsman was too late on ordering his suit.)

Again, not only do I think this is completely alien to me, but, we definitely don't see eye-to-eye. I don't want to look at his dad's face when I'm walking down the aisle both because of history and, it's just so odd to have one parent standing up while all others are sitting.

Honestly, I am having such a guttural reaction to this (that I know will pass) that I have no desire to get married to him. It absolutely feels like he's putting his dad's wants and needs before mine.

All thoughts are welcome. Thank you so much for your help.

I get everyone's points, however there's a lot of disdain here (calling FI manipulative, obviously disliking his family, saying you don't want to marry him). I'd figure out those feelings first before you keep going ahead with wedding planning. Families can be close, that's not an issue, but are you okay with them always being super involved in every aspect of your life? Because it sounds like that will be the present and the future. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but will FI be able to put boundaries down when needed? How about with parenting disagreements if you decide to have kids? What if you both decide to move across the state for a job? 

You don't get to dictate his wedding party, but your other comments bear more introspection and attention. 

banana468

levioosa said:

jessandpete2024 said:

Hey Knot Community!

I'll keep this as short and non-convoluted as possible.

When my fiancé and I first got together, his parents made my life hell. They even told me after a year of me dating my future husband that I 'ruined their family' because he was spending time away from them. By the way, we're talking about a family that is absolutely crazy- they spend every waking moment together. Their adult children (except my fiancé) live at home because they don't want to leave mommy and daddy until they are married (literally said so). Parents pay for everything. His sister works with his mom. These 'kids" are in their mid twenties. So, it's more of a cult than a family. I digress.

Things have gotten better between myself and his family since the proposal last April, but more specifically, in the past five to six months.

I had always told my fiancé that I would absolutely love a joint bachelor/bachelorette party (meaning, the girls go to a spa, the guys go golfing, and we all meet for dinner after.)

He wants his dad as a part of his bachelor party. Which I think is very odd. He would be the only parent there, with all the 'younger' folks at dinner...and he sees no issue with this. "My dad loves drinking with my buddies" he said. So, now, we're having completely separate 'parties' because my fiancé (very manipulative) said "well, I'll just have to tell my dad that he can't come to dinner. That will be really tough."

Obviously I don't want to be the reason for that. So, we split it.

Yesterday, he just told me he wanted his dad standing up next to him at the ceremony. (Wedding is Nov 20th, and, his other groomsman was too late on ordering his suit.)

Again, not only do I think this is completely alien to me, but, we definitely don't see eye-to-eye. I don't want to look at his dad's face when I'm walking down the aisle both because of history and, it's just so odd to have one parent standing up while all others are sitting.

Honestly, I am having such a guttural reaction to this (that I know will pass) that I have no desire to get married to him. It absolutely feels like he's putting his dad's wants and needs before mine.

All thoughts are welcome. Thank you so much for your help.

I get everyone's points, however there's a lot of disdain here (calling FI manipulative, obviously disliking his family, saying you don't want to marry him). I'd figure out those feelings first before you keep going ahead with wedding planning. Families can be close, that's not an issue, but are you okay with them always being super involved in every aspect of your life? Because it sounds like that will be the present and the future. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but will FI be able to put boundaries down when needed? How about with parenting disagreements if you decide to have kids? What if you both decide to move across the state for a job? 

You don't get to dictate his wedding party, but your other comments bear more introspection and attention. 

Yes - I totally agree that OP needs to be on the same page as her FI about any future planning and her FI needs to also defend their decisions if they are going to be met with family flack. 

Jen4948

I get why you don't want his father in the wedding party or at his bachelor party, but those aren't your decisions to make. He's not forcing you to accept his mother or sister in the wedding party or at your bachelorette party, so I would let these go.

But I think that some counseling, particularly couples counseling, would be beneficial for you both so that you start and continue your marriage on the same page. Your fiance has to recognize that his parents are not entitled to make your household, job, or any other decisions for you and must treat you with respect, but you also need to recognize that breaking away from a situation like the one your fiance is coming from will be very hard for him, and he could use your patience. As much as you want to go no-contact with his family (which it sounds like to me), your fiance will need time to make the adjustments that it will take him so that his family is at a reasonable distance.

maine7mob

I don't think this is just about the wedding. I think it's about your concern as to whether your fiance will be able to put you first as his wife after you are married. A lot of marriages fail because one partner can't disengage from their family of origin when it's necessary for the health of the couple. So if this is your concern, you both need to address it in counseling before you get married. And I'd leave the wedding details alone for now. Those hardly matter with this other big looming concern.

ILoveBeachMusic

I agree with all of the above. The FIL being at the bachelor party and in the wedding is really not that unusual. I think the bigger issue is how involved the family will be in future decisions between your FI and yourself. I definitely pre-marital counseling is in order.

MesmrEwe

Per all family dynamic issues pre-wedding, it is HIGHLY recommended to do some form of premarital counseling in a meaningful way, even for the most "put together" couples with "ideal" relationships.  Many churches offer this, many Marriage and Family Counselors offer this at a discount as it's easier to go over the "Rules of Engagement" while you're still engaged and before you get married.  Planning the marriage is more important than planning the wedding, especially when it involves the people stress of wedding planning.  You will save yourself a lot of arguments and disagreements by discussing many of the subjects they go over before getting married than after!  Things like holidays with family vs. creating your own traditions, boundaries, finances, division of labor in the house (you're adults, not Mommy/Daddy/Maid, if it needs to be done do it!), to not or if you choose to have kids - naming rights, discipline styles, birthing room, you're both parents not one "babysitting" their own kid, etc. etc.  Years back a former knottie wrote a book with her Dad "Take Back Your Wedding:  Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning"

As others said, it's not unheard of that a parent is in the WP, get to the real core of what the issue is, it's not the FFIL...  

ei34

Ditto PP on pre-marital counseling so you can both share how comfortable you are with family involvement before getting married.  Pre-wedding events and a wedding day will pale in comparison to married life together.

But to directly answer your questions here, each of you gets to decide your bach party guest list, and the members of your wedding party.  If your FI was trying to force his mother and sister to attend your bachelorette party, that'd be a problem.  Your future FIL attending his is no biggie (my own mother and two of my aunts came to part one of mine, dinner...they went home when the rest of us went to a bar.  We're close, my friends know and like her, and it was fun that they came to dinner *shrugs*).  Same with who he chooses to be in his wedding party...if he was mandating that his family be in yours, that'd be an issue.

MyNameIsNot

Honestly, I am having such a guttural reaction to this (that I know will pass) that I have no desire to get married to him. It absolutely feels like he's putting his dad's wants and needs before mine.

I'm going to go against the grain a bit. If the above is how you really feel, I think you should call off the wedding. 

Couples counseling is great and can solve a lot of problems and facilitate a lot of communication, but it can't fix a broken relationship. If you're to the point where you no longer want to marry him, it's time to move on. A marriage is [hopefully] a lot of years and is inevitably going to come with a lot of disagreements. You have to be able to see each other with optimism, empathy, and give each other the benefit of the doubt. If you're going into the marriage assuming everything he's doing is against you or at you, you're never going to be able to work through the really tough parts.