DTMFA

short+sassy

My boyfriend and I have a toddler together and he has an 11-year-old daughter that lives with her maternal grandmother half of the time. Her mother is serving a serious prison sentence. My boyfriend tries to make it up to his daughter by fawning all over her when she is here—kisses, cuddles, and a constant shower of gifts.

Around our child, he acts bored and irritated. He barely interacts with our baby unless he has his phone in his hand. The only routine he does is bath and bedtime because I have night classes online. He claims that I am making stuff up and just spoiling our child. We had a huge fight because our baby had a growth spurt and needed new clothes. My boyfriend claimed he was broke until his next paycheck. The very next day his daughter came in with bags of new clothes from the mall! She just got an entire new wardrobe two weeks ago for the start of school. My boyfriend claimed he just found the money and that it wasn’t a big deal. I am dressing my baby and myself in stuff I find in buy-nothing groups and yard sales.

My mother never wanted me. She favored my brothers and treated me like a bother growing up. I never want to put our child through that. I loved how devoted my boyfriend was to his daughter. I thought he would be the same with our child. I can’t afford to leave. I take care of 90% of all the household chores. What do I do here? My boyfriend tells me I am acting as though I am jealous of his daughter. I am not. The difference between how he treats her and our child is like night and day.

—Worried

ei34

"My boyfriend tells me I am acting as though I am jealous of his daughter. I am not."
He's using this as a cop out on some level, to skirt the reality that he's prioritizing her.  Which he is.  But you also spent a lot of time talking about the daughter, who has had a tough life.  I know it's hard not to compare, but leave her out of it.  He's a crummy dad with or without comparing the two kids.  I'd start looking for ways to afford not living with him, and break up.  He's a jerk and is not only showing you but denying there's a problem, and you and the baby deserve better.

banana468

DTMFA

And when you do, seek a lawyer and take him to court.  BF will need to learn to budget  for the expenses that exist of clothing a child.

If you want to stay together then you need to realistically draft a budget together that is going to include the clothing required to dress a growing kid through the years.    That said, this gaslighting is not the foundation for a functional relationship so if there are walls being put up in front of you, take that as your sign to put more up around him. 

short+sassy

The problem isn't the relationship he has with his older daughter.  The LW should have done her best to keep comparisons out of it, because now she has handed him a bullshit excuse he can use.  And has been.

The problem is how he treats his younger child.  Who he mostly ignores whether his daughter is there or not.  Along with not supplying them with their basic needs, like clothing, even when he has the resources.  Or teach all of us how he "finds" hundreds of dollars that didn't previously "exist".

He doesn't see a problem.  Until he does which might be never, he isn't going to change.

She didn't say this, but I suspect the LW is a SAHM because she doesn't seem to have any of her own money.  Very risky, especially since they aren't married and it sounds like she is now seeing the harsh reality of it.  He's a shitty father and has become a shitty partner, but she can't afford to leave.  She needs to change that as soon as she can.  

I assume her night classes are for something that will set her up to bring more money into the household.  I hope she is near the end of that goal and can get a job that will allow her to support herself and her child, without him if need be.