Give therapy a real chance or he's out. (Side: is your mother married to Methuselah?)

short+sassy

Our son is 28 and made a complete mess out of his life. He has failed more educational courses than I can count, can’t keep a job, and has not had a romantic relationship that wasn’t a dumpster fire. My husband and I are baffled because our son always did well in high school. We just kept making the excuse that it was young adult growing pains. It is always someone else’s fault: bad bosses, mean co-workers, crazy exes. Our son refuses to admit that the common denominator is him. Every time we try to get him into therapy, he blows up and doesn’t talk to us for a while.

Our daughters are 24 and 21. Both of them went into technological fields and lived at home to save money. They have enough to put a down payment on a place together. When our son found out, he blew up. He screamed during my mother’s 921st birthday party about how his sisters were the “golden ones” of the family and how we deliberately screwed him over. He made a huge scene and stormed off.

My daughters want nothing to do with their brother anymore and my husband seems resigned to agree with him. He told me we gave our son more opportunities than we even could afford short of just letting him live off of us like a leech. In both our families, it was the rule of school or work after you turn 18. Our son would never commit to it and would quit, daring us to kick him out, or find someone else to live off. We tried so hard here. I love my son and want to see him succeed in life. Is there any hope?

—Last Straw

banana468

KICK. HIM. OUT. 

You're enabling him.   Parenting can suck and I only know what it's like to have the two I do.   But there's nothing to be gained by not creating rules and sticking to them and your son is calling your bluff.

Make the plan with your H.  If it was my child it would be "You're going to find a therapist and you're going to get a job and you're going to be paying rent.   A portion of that will go towards an account that will be opened and you will get the $ with the interest accrued on a move out date of X."  Create a lease with a start and end date and as parents, do not let your son continue to act as if all of the problems in his life are from an external locus of control. 

MyNameIsNot

I want to know about this 921 year old grandma, lol.

Kick him out. He's had enough second chances and deals. Give him a hard date to be out of your house and stick to it. He will figure it out if he has to; he's never had to before. 

short+sassy

banana468 said:

KICK. HIM. OUT. 

You're enabling him.   Parenting can suck and I only know what it's like to have the two I do.   But there's nothing to be gained by not creating rules and sticking to them and your son is calling your bluff.

Make the plan with your H.  If it was my child it would be "You're going to find a therapist and you're going to get a job and you're going to be paying rent.   A portion of that will go towards an account that will be opened and you will get the $ with the interest accrued on a move out date of X."  Create a lease with a start and end date and as parents, do not let your son continue to act as if all of the problems in his life are from an external locus of control. 

Totally agree.  But the parents need to be strong enough and resolute enough to follow through with this.  They haven't been so far and he isn't going to believe them.  They need to be ready to kick him out if he doesn't follow through with their conditions, even if that means he will be homeless and have nowhere to go.  There are probably a lot of people out there who just can't do that to their child, even if it is best for them in the long run.

Because if they cave again, he will take them even less seriously the next time.

His entitlement even goes so far as to be angry that his sisters both have a good chunk of money saved.  Because they applied themselves.  Got an education and/or experience that set them up to get good jobs.  Yeah, dude.  Sitting around on your ass all day doesn't fatten your bank account.

banana468

@short+sassy I completely agree.  The prevalence or lack of money didn't "happen" to them.  Some worked for it and others did not have jobs!

The biggest obstacle to this son's success is the parents who do him no favors by enabling him. 

banana468

banana468 said:

@short+sassy I completely agree.  The prevalence or lack of money didn't "happen" to them.  Some worked for it and others did not have jobs!

The biggest obstacle to this son's success is the parents who do him no favors by enabling him. 

To add - I think I said the story before but I remember when my neighbor's car was hit by a drunk driver.  Cops went to the house of the guy who hit and ran and KNEW where the driver was because the car was so badly damaged you could see the tire tracks in the road leading to his house.

But Mom and Dad at midnight opened the door and with the hissing smoking car in the driveway said "he's not home" and allowed their son to plead to the lesser charge of 'leaving the scene of the accident' rather than adding the intoxication.  And the cops said, "We've dealt with them before."  So their 30 year old son (we knew because we later found out he was a friend's former FI) was just protected from growing up.