Having doubts

knottie35101997bda1fabd

Hi there everyone - So I've never written on one of these boards but here goes. 

My fiance and I have been together coming on 3 years now and he proposed about 2 months ago. I was over the moon and completely taken by surprise although we had had a fair few talks about it. 

We have always both wanted something quite intimate with nearest and dearest. Earlier this year he had broached the idea of getting married abroad and I said that sounded wonderful. 

Now we are engaged, he is holding me to this conversation but I have raised a few concerns over accessibility issues getting my disabled mother there and finding a venue with no stairs etc. I broached that it might be a good idea to cost up a UK wedding as an alternative and he has been angry with me ever since. 

He says I'm a snake and have gone back on my word. That it's me walking down the aisle not my mother. And that he expressly wants to get married abroad so that very few people can make it. He is also furious that I would like a wedding photographer for a few hours on the day. I would like to invite about 20-25 friends and family from my side but he thinks this is me going back on my word but I feel that's still a pretty tiny wedding? 

He refuses to entertain looking at both options and has now said his proposal was contingent on me sticking to the plan of marrying abroad. I had no idea it was a binding agreement I just thought we were throwing out ideas at the time and we weren't even engaged but now I feel trapped like there's only one way for us to get married. He has called me a bridezilla and mocked me for going to dress fittings.

He told me he regrets proposing now and that he should have waited longer and now wants to pause all wedding plans.

banana468

Pause the wedding plans.  Get out of that relationship.  That isn't a foundation for a lifetime commitment but a first step in a controlling manipulation by a guy gaslighting you.  

charlotte989875

knottie35101997bda1fabd said:

Hi there everyone - So I've never written on one of these boards but here goes. 

My fiance and I have been together coming on 3 years now and he proposed about 2 months ago. I was over the moon and completely taken by surprise although we had had a fair few talks about it. 

We have always both wanted something quite intimate with nearest and dearest. Earlier this year he had broached the idea of getting married abroad and I said that sounded wonderful. 

Now we are engaged, he is holding me to this conversation but I have raised a few concerns over accessibility issues getting my disabled mother there and finding a venue with no stairs etc. I broached that it might be a good idea to cost up a UK wedding as an alternative and he has been angry with me ever since. 

He says I'm a snake and have gone back on my word. That it's me walking down the aisle not my mother. And that he expressly wants to get married abroad so that very few people can make it. He is also furious that I would like a wedding photographer for a few hours on the day. I would like to invite about 20-25 friends and family from my side but he thinks this is me going back on my word but I feel that's still a pretty tiny wedding? 

He refuses to entertain looking at both options and has now said his proposal was contingent on me sticking to the plan of marrying abroad. I had no idea it was a binding agreement I just thought we were throwing out ideas at the time and we weren't even engaged but now I feel trapped like there's only one way for us to get married. He has called me a bridezilla and mocked me for going to dress fittings.

He told me he regrets proposing now and that he should have waited longer and now wants to pause all wedding plans.

I’m really sorry you’re going through with this. Has he issued ultimatums like this before? Is there something specific about getting married abroad that is driving this for him? 

I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, but there are some big red flags here. Calling you a snake because you want your mother and friends at the wedding? Just looking at what it would cost at home? These are perfectly normal and valid things to want while wedding planning. If he says he regrets proposing either he means it, or he’s trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants- neither of which are a health way to start a marriage. I’d pause all wedding talk and planning and spend some time deciding if he is really someone you want to spend your life with. 

This is so tough! 

MyNameIsNot

Yikes! Has he acted like this in the past when you didn't want to do something his way? 

This sounds alarmist, but I would call off the wedding if I were you. He is essentially throwing a tantrum to try to force your hand. I would not want to be married to someone like that. 

VarunaTT

OP, you deserve better than this in a relationship.  These are huge red flags.  Calling you a snake and saying a casual conversation was binding?  Does he behave like this in other ways, b/c this seems really extreme.  Read your post as someone who doesn't have 3 years with this person and see what we see.  There is no compromise available here, in his eyes.  I would not marry this person and take the out and run.  

CharmedPam

Yes pause or cancel. Calling me a snake would do it for me!
edit; also even if you agreed to the plans and you thought they were solid - you’re allowed to change your mind

ei34

I'd not only cancel the wedding, I'd also end the relationship.  That's of course said as someone who does not have three years of (hopefully lots of) good memories and experiences too.  Bc as written, he's verbally and emotionally abusive, gaslighting, controlling and manipulative...just an enormous red flag head to toe.

I'm really sorry that you've been treated this way and that you're dealing with this, I know how hard that can feel.

levioosa

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Try looking at your post through the lens of a friend. What would you say to a friend if she told you this? There’s a lot of red flags here. H and I went back and forth between private/small wedding vs larger wedding and we finally ended up eloping as a mutual decision. But there is no world in which he would have called me a snake for stipulating that there be an elevator to accommodate my father’s wheelchair regardless of the type of wedding or for changing my mind on a bigger wedding to a smaller one. 

climbingsingle

Please for the love of god do not marry this person.