Moving them in will implode your marriage.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My husband is the oldest of five and feels he needs to “take care” of his siblings since their dad died when they were young. I am sick of it. Particularly with the younger two, we spent thousands of dollars, hundreds of hours, and more stress than I like to think about cleaning up their messes—only for them to turn around to make more. His youngest brother has an attitude problem and refuses to shut his mouth. He has been fired from every job he has gotten and of course, none of it his fault. His youngest sister dropped out of high school thinking she could spend her life smoking weed and living off guys. She is 24 and her greatest accomplishment is not getting knocked up yet. Their mother and stepfather have washed their hands with both of them after my BIL got into a fistfight with a neighbor and threatened to go get a gun (third brush with the law) and my SIL got high while babysitting her nieces.

The pair of them blame the loss of their father for everything they screw up in their lives. My MIL worked two jobs to provide for the family and my husband started working at 13 to help out. I was raised by my grandmother because my parents were worthless. At some point, you have to deal with your damage instead of blaming everyone else. We just bought our first home. My BIL got fired again and has been sleeping in his car. My SIL got roughed up by her boyfriend and is staying with her sister who is in the process of moving overseas. They both are begging to move in with us and my husband is wavering.

I am this close to telling him if they move in that I move out and am looking for a lawyer. We’ve done this song and dance over and over. The pair of them promise to clean up their acts and proceed to trash our lives. We’ve already gone into debt over them and were nearly evicted from our old apartment over their actions. These aren’t a pair of kids. They are in their mid-twenties. My husband and I put off having kids and working on our own careers because we were constantly putting out fires. I love my husband, but I am at the end of my rope here. And the pair of them refuse to seek professional help. What do I do?

—Fed Up

VarunaTT

Um, tell him?  Also counseling for at least him, b/c this is a big drain on him and he needs to work through it and get some tools to help handle this.

banana468

Tell your H that you're serious and also look at counseling together. 

He may be trying to take on such a parenting role that he needs to be told that his desire to swoop in and save people is enabling.  And sometimes that information needs to come from an outside source.

But this desire to be the person who fixes the mistakes of others is going to not help him if you two DO have kids.  So if there's any saving this relationship it's going to be with a long talk and therapy for him and the two of you together. 

MyNameIsNot

If they move in, I move out is the right answer. 

My H is like this to a lesser extent with his sister. She stayed with us for what was supposed to be a 3 month stint about 10 years ago when her then husband was supposedly pushing her around. (She later told H that was BS.) After a year of her laying on our couch all day refusing to get a job or even do her community service, I was at the end of my rope. If my H hadn't been willing to put his foot down, I wouldn't still be with him. 

levioosa

Nope. They are not children any more. They are in control of their lives and they keep using you. Do not let them back in. And go to couple’s counseling.