Dear Prudence,
I raised “Anne” from the time she was 3 until she was 16. Her mother couldn’t be bothered to do more than call on her birthday until she found God (or more accurately when she got back in the graces of her rich parents). I was mom until Anne was around 13 when she started pulling away from her father and me. We couldn’t compete with the barrage of expensive gifts and permissive parenting that her mom gave her. Anne went to live with her mother despite my husband and me beggaring ourselves with lawyer and therapy fees.
Around this time, I got pregnant and my husband lost his job. We were barely holding on—then I lost the baby. It was devastating. I fell into a deep depression where I couldn’t even get out of bed. During that time, Anne openly mocked me and made fun of my pain. My husband’s only response was to tell me that Anne was just a teenager and didn’t really mean it. I asked for a divorce.
It has been 10 years. I am in a much better place and don’t try to dwell on the past. My ex died two years ago. I sent a card and flowers but didn’t attend the funeral. I never thought I’d hear from or see Anne again. Then I got a letter in the mail. Anne wants to “try again.” Her paternal grandmother isn’t in good health and her other grandparents have died. Her mother blew through the estate and left nothing for Anne. They aren’t on speaking terms anymore. Nowhere in the letter was there actually anything resembling an apology, just more excuses about Anne being a troubled kid.
My partner thinks we should just throw away the letter and go on with our lives. Part of me feels guilty because Anne was the closest thing I had to a daughter for a time, but in the end, she wasn’t my daughter at all. I never had children of my own and I have made peace with that. I don’t want to open a door to more pain. But sending back a note saying I wish you well but please don’t contact me again seems crueler then not responding at all. What should I do?
—Letter Unsent