You are helping her.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My niece has always been a high achiever, while her older brothers are your stereotypical slackers. They both barely graduated high school and are now currently in their early twenties with part-time jobs where all the money goes to weed and video games. My niece got into a technical program where she graduated with a degree and immediately found a fairly well-paying, full-time job. All three still live at home. My brother and my sister-in-law only expect my niece to pay rent. First, it was only a nominal amount, but after a series of household setbacks (new roof, foundation cracks, etc.), they basically want her to hand over every paycheck. Not a word about her older brothers getting to work.

My niece has rightfully refused, and her parents threatened to kick her out of the house. So I offered to let her move in with me. My niece accepted, and now my sister is blaming us for all their financial troubles and keeps saying things like it is our fault if they lose the house and become homeless. This gets to my niece. She often is left in tears after talking to her parents and wonders if she is betraying her family. Her parents both work long hard hours at warehouse positions. I am not speaking to my brother and sister-in-law. It like running into a brick wall. I keep telling my niece she should limit her contact with her parents for her own sake. But she is only 19. How do I help her?

—Trouble

banana468

You are helping her. 

Talk to her about how with her paycheck she likely  has benefits that may cover therapy.  She may benefit from not just talking to you as a sounding board but to someone totally impartial who can help her create the safe boundaries so she is not blamed for the decisions of the people who raised her.  It's too much to put on her shoulders and you're coming at this from a likely intelligent but biased place.    

short+sassy

Encouraging the niece to speak to a therapist is a good idea.  As well as continuing to remind her when the subject comes up that she is right and her parents are wrong.  They are not entitled to her money.

I also suspect the parents are doing just fine, financially.  They were supporting themselves without her, their whole lives.  It's only been in the last year? Two years tops?  That she has been financially helping them and it was a nominal amount.  I'd try to say that gently.  Like, "I know your parents are worried because of the large home repair bills they had recently, but they are overexaggerating their needs and won't lose their home."

I'd also love to point out if they really had money troubles, they'd tell her brothers to start chipping in.  But the LW shouldn't remind her about the disparity.  She already knows.  The parents have probably always favored their boys and that has to be deeply hurtful for the niece.