FU dude

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My wife is an accomplished author who also holds down a fulltime job in an unrelated field, mostly for the benefits. When we had our first child last year, we agreed that she would pause her writing career—something had to go with a new baby at home.

Except, it turns out she didn’t pause it. She got a great idea for a new novel, wrote it secretly during her lunch break at work, and sold it for $100,000. I feel so many things right now; it’s hard to be mad at someone when they casually tell you your son’s college education is now paid for, and her lunch hour is technically hers to do as she wishes. But she went against our deal! She could have been home an hour earlier every night this year if she hadn’t done this project, and when I think back on all the times she’s been tired or grumpy in the past year, I now blame the book (even though it could have just been caring for a newborn). How do I trust her to keep to her word? How should I feel right now?

MyNameIsNot

You should feel like you're not pulling your weight. How many jobs are you holding down and how much of the child care are you doing because I'm guessing it's not 2 and 50%. It sounds like you're resentful because she's just better than you.

ei34

You should feel like a loser. Jeez *eyeroll*

banana468

Tell her that you're truly grateful for her success and windfall of cash but you also can't help but feel like you were kept in the dark at a major secret that occupied her time.  

You're feeling entitled to her free time and you aren't.  But you should be entitled to the truth and you didn't get it.  So you need to tread seriously lightly because your wife's free time (and lunch hour should not be avoided because it's the mental health break she wanted) but you also want to be her partner and know what's going on.   

levioosa

I remember this dude. Fuck this guy. And I disagree with telling him what she was doing during lunch. She was using her own deserved lunch hour to do what she wanted. Maybe she wanted a bowl of chipotle. Maybe she wanted to escape parenthood for an hour with writing instead of scrolling on Tik Tok and it wasn’t until half way through she could sell it. It doesn’t matter, the hour was hers. Dude’s thought is “oh she should have skipped her legally mandated lunch hour and come straight home to take on more household duties?” Fuck him. 

short+sassy

levioosa said:

I remember this dude. Fuck this guy. And I disagree with telling him what she was doing during lunch. She was using her own deserved lunch hour to do what she wanted. Maybe she wanted a bowl of chipotle. Maybe she wanted to escape parenthood for an hour with writing instead of scrolling on Tik Tok and it wasn’t until half way through she could sell it. It doesn’t matter, the hour was hers. Dude’s thought is “oh she should have skipped her legally mandated lunch hour and come straight home to take on more household duties?” Fuck him. 

This was what really got me.  I have worked for a lot of different employers in my career.  The vast majority of the time, you CANNOT just skip your lunch hour and leave an hour early anyway.  It is expressly not allowed.

Writing is probably an outlet for her that she enjoys.  It was probably still relaxing lunch hours.  Yeah, dude.  She was tired and grumpy because there was a newborn through 12 month old baby in the house.  Not because she used her lunch time to write a novel.  I bet he was tired and grumpy also.  If he wasn't, then he wasn't pulling his weight in baby care/household chores and REALLY needs to take a seat.

banana468

Seriously.  The first years of kiddo lives suck.  They're a mental and physical drain on the body and marriage and you need to find what positivity you can for you.

The wife did what she wanted and that's great!

I'm also suspicious that the dude put that pressure on her so that she'd do more of the child care and that's not OK on him.   The only reason why I bring up the secret is that it's a communication issue in the marriage for them but his resentment and belief is a big old pile of patriarchal crap. 

levioosa

Ooh the more I read this letter the more it pisses me off. 

"My wife is an accomplished author who also holds down a fulltime job in an unrelated field, mostly for the benefits. When we had our first child last year, we agreed that she would pause her writing career—something had to go with a new baby at home."

So she's the accomplished author, who also holds down A FULL TIME JOB for benefits for all of you, and SOMETHING had to go from her end. Not yours, but hers? Oh a big Fuck You is in order here. I hope wife takes her $100k check, gets a lawyer, and figures out a way to leave and avoid alimony. 

banana468

levioosa said:

Ooh the more I read this letter the more it pisses me off. 

"My wife is an accomplished author who also holds down a fulltime job in an unrelated field, mostly for the benefits. When we had our first child last year, we agreed that she would pause her writing career—something had to go with a new baby at home."

So she's the accomplished author, who also holds down A FULL TIME JOB for benefits for all of you, and SOMETHING had to go from her end. Not yours, but hers? Oh a big Fuck You is in order here. I hope wife takes her $100k check, gets a lawyer, and figures out a way to leave and avoid alimony. 

That's why I'm irritated at the dude.  It sounds like there wasn't something HE was willing to do so they (He) decided this.

If I'm right I totally get why the wife did and and why it was a secret.  But it's the secret that is the issue.  He's the far bigger AH for not talking to her to see WHY she felt it necessary to keep the secret from him in the first place.